Hello Disease

So, I'm sick. And it's very very strange to be sick and not have your mommy make you soup and not have your daddy tuck you in on the couch. My first sickness of college. It's one of those fever-and-tummy illnesses (yay for puking in the bathroom of a hookah bar in alpahbet city). And it's gloomy and rainy, and I really just want to stay in my pajamas. I made myself tea and chicken noodle soup.

On the up-side, I was in Alphabet City last night. And, well, of course, I was thinking about RENT. And then, like a shining light, there it was in all its glory: the Life Cafe. It was so amazing. All of a sudden, I'm living RENT. I mean, I am at a prestigious university in very comfortable quarters. But I'm deifinately poor! And artsy. And developping a family in the city.

Vive la vie boheme!

Autumn

IT'S FALL!!!!!

It's cool. The smell of dead leaves is wafting through the air. There's something distinctly crisp about the atmosphere. Everything seems a little golden. I'm wearing a sweater (in my room!).

I love fall! It's just a beautiful time. The weather is really perfect now. My mood has gotten better just because of the cool breeze coming through my window. I am a happy, happy girl.

Homecoming

So I went home.

Meg told me that going home had made it easier to be here - knowing that life went on there, but our lives are here now. I though I'd have a meltdown and not be able to get on the train coming back here. But Meg was right. Life is going on in Chestnut Hill without me. Laurelei is still singing, Players is still doing shows. And I have a life here that I was glad to come back to this afternoon.

It was a great weekend though. It was oh-so nice to see everyone - teachers, "underclassmen", my friends who have scattered. It was nice to see that Germantown Avenue will never really change. It was nice to see my family and snuggle with my pets. It was nice to see my boy. It was nice to fall in love with him all over again under the stars in New Hope.

But now I'm back in the Big Apple, and I'm happy to be here. I can't wait for my next adventure.

I just tore up the post-it that had transfer application deadlines on it.

It felt really good.

Pros

Here's a shot at optimism.

Why I like NYU:
-My professors really are some of the smartest people in the world.
-The books I'm reading for homework don't suck.
-I can go on an expedition in search of mashed potatoes at 12:30 am. And succeed, no less. Ok, they were those potato flakes. But they were still delicious.
-My roommates are really cool.
-I have a great little nook for making phone calls with the most amazing view of a gorgeous church.
-I can go out to the park at midnight and meet up with a group of friends (well, they're becoming friends) and play guitar and sing on the edge of the fountain.

Ok, that's six pros. I will refrain from listing any cons today.

Clarification and Air Conditioning

Just to clarify: The Muhlenberg squirrels could kick all of our asses combined. The one I tried to be nice to stared me down and bared his teeth. Don't question them. Be afraid.

In other news, I'm going home for Homecoming, and I can't wait. I miss Chestnut Hill SO much. (I know, I know, I can't believe I just said that either.) I can't wait to see everyone!

It's very strange to me that a Players cast list has gone up and my name isn't on it. I miss the Rec more than I can say.

We're getting "illegal" air conditioning tomorrow. It's only illegal because we're not supposed to have it. But I really don't see a valid argument against it. We're supplying it - it's like a fridge. But better. Because it won't be 85 degrees in here anymore. Sweet.

I want crazy squirrels!

It's so hot.
And I'm drinking coffee.
Why?
Because I'm tired and I have a paper to write.

I went down to Muhlenberg this weekend. It was sooooo nice. It's like, well, like a college. Here, it's New York City - college is sort of an afterthought. But there was grass and a quad and a real campus. And even crazy squirrels. I want crazy squirrels!

So at this point, I've pretty much made up my mind to transfer. We'll see how the year goes, though. And I may as well make this an enjoyable year. I just wish I had made the right choice the first time around.

Sans A Cappella

So I didn't get into an a cappella groups.

I don't really know what to do with myself sans a cappella. I need to sing. And the shower isn't enough of a venue for me. I just don't know what to do now. I'm gonna miss it like crazy. I need that rush that I get after a performance, that electrifying rush of pride and confidence and excitement and modesty and glory. That's what keeps me going. I need to find another outlet for it, I need to find that again.

I'm sleepy.

But I'm content.

Well...am I?

I'm not exactly happy, but I'm not sad. But "content" seems to suggest that all my needs are being filled to an agreeable degree. I suppose I am content, then. Except in the sleep department.

I'm very sleepy.

And now I have to go to class.

ZZZzzzz....

Philly, yo

Ok, who here thought I was going to leave Philly and never come back because I wanted to get out of there so badly?

Yeah, me too.

Turns out, I'm a Philadelphian to the core. I can't wait to go back. I love Philadelphia and I'm going to be one of those people who leaves for college but can't seem to leave for good.

Where did this come from? I don't know. Yesterday, as I wandered up and down Broadway in search of a copy of the New York Times (not an easy feat, strangely enough), it just sort of hit me: I am a Philadelphian.

And proud of it.

This revelation was solidified by the Eagles game last night (let's not talk about the outcome, ok?). I went down to watch it with Nora, and it made me more homesick than ever. I miss watching the game with all of my friends, I miss being surrounded by people wearing green on a game day. I want to be back in the midst of all that crazy Philly spirit.

It's some of the best spirit you can get.

A lack of stage

I miss Chambers.

After two horrible auditions, I'm feeling like a cappella might not be a part of my life anymore. And that's no good. I miss the instant family that comes from Choir Camp. I miss singing in the hallways of Springside. I miss having people around who know I can sing, even if I get nervous during tryouts.

I miss Players.

I don't know if I'm doing theatre this term, and the lack of stage in my future makes me want to cry. I miss the smell of hoagies in the Rec. I miss knowing everyone around me, and having them know me. I miss the saftey net that Players always offered.

I want to go home.

Back to the starting line

Hmmmm.

What to say...

I'm in classes. They're scary but interesting.
I'm acting like myself, I'm kind of making friends.

I'm more miserable than I've ever been.
My panic attacks, though less frequent, are more intense.
I'm starting to make a list of schools to transfer to.

I hate this.
I hate that it isn't what I dreamed it would be.
I hate that I'm not strong enough.

The First Day of School

I remember when the first day of school was the biggest event of the year. Such a comination of emotions - excitement over seeing your friends and catching up on the summer, dread regarding hard teachers, bitterness that your summer was being cut short, pride over your tan/summer hookup. Well today, I also have mixxed emotions. I'm excited about my classes, I'm relieved to have a schedule again, I'm hopeful that I'll make friends and do well, and I'm terrified that if my classes aren't really amazing there will be nothing keeping me here. There was a time when on the first day of school, my mom made a big breakfast and we took pictures. Today, I'm alone in a stale dorm room, wiped out due to lack of sleep, eating stale coookies because I finished off my Nutrigrain bars and don't have anyone to go to the dining hall with, and wishing so hard that I'll wake up soon and take pictures with my parents and laugh at my mom for crying and walk into a school where everyone knows me and is happy to see me after three months apart. And I hate that I know how hopeless that wish is.

a litany

What I want right now:
-friends
-the ability to make said friends: to stop being so shy and scared
-to shrink this city a bit
-food cooked by my mommy (no more pizza or ramen)
-to stick with optimism and focus on the fun stuff I've done
-this week to not have felt like 2 years
-a beverage that is free but is not water
-NO MORE PANIC ATTACKS
-motivation
-a room to myself so that I can sing
-Jon to come back
-Kirby
-air conditioning
-happy new quotes for my blog/away messages like everyone else
-a shower
-to be in an a cappella group
-to be cool again
-a nap
-hugs!

Progress: For Serious

Ok, I have an improved outlook. I don't know for sure yet if this is really the right place for me, but Iam sure that I can survive well enough here. It took gorgeous weather (courtesy of Katrina - sorry everyone in Louisiana, but I really appreciate the breeze!), some inspirational theatre, and writing in Washington Square Park for me to decide that I could, in fact, be happy enough here. Maybe not truly joyful, but happy enough.

Yay optimism.

Progress...oh, wait...no

I was really hoping that my next post would be an uplifting one, telling of how I overcame my fears and anxiety and how much I love it here.
Alas.
I'm still unhappy and lost. It's one of those sadnesses that won't break, the kind that sort of move in and refuse to declare a date of departure. I miss laughing, smiling, knowing somewhere in my heart that I'll be me again. I can't find anything to distract me from my thoughts long enough to make any progress. I just feel trapped. I'm so sad that I'm not happy. I wanted this so much, this school, this city, this life. But it's not what it seemed to be. I do love New York, but maybe just for weekends. It's too much to handle 24/7. I want some quiet. I want some peace. I want a distraction that won't empty my wallet or fill me with anxiety.
Fortunately, Jon is coming to visit this weekend. That will be my distraction, that will get me through until classes. I want to go home so badly, but I know I wouldn't have it in me to come back if I did. So I'm stuck here. I hate that that's how it seems to me.