Home is where the heart is?

How did I get here? I thought this was exactly where I wanted to be, but now I just want to curl up in bed and wait until Thanksgiving when I can be with the people I know and love and not be terrified and overwhelmed. I've lost track of how many anxiety attacks I've had since I got here. I keep telling myself to wait it out, it's bound to get easier, everyone feels like this. But I can't stay convinced for long before I fall apart again. NYU was my dream - it is my dream, isn't it? I just miss being secure and sure of things, knowing my way around, having more than two friends in a city. But I have to say thank you to my loved ones who have dealt with me crying over the phone at all hours - I don't think I'd make it without your support and undying faith in me.

There's no place like home, there's no place like home . . .

To Do

I'm importing all my music onto my computer. Just one of the many tasks on my to do list in the next few days. I just can't believe I'm going to college this weekend, it's so surreal. I can't figure out how time flew so quickly.
We had a PIT/Beast Crew reunion on Monday night. I always forget how much I love slumber parties until I'm at one - cookies and talking til three in the morning = best thing ever. Goodbyes = worst thing ever. I've already said a few goodbyes, and I'm dreading the ones I'm facing in the next few days. I just don't think I'm quite ready for this step. Moving on to college, sure. Saying goodbye, not so much. But I guess I can't have one without the other. But I know it's not goodbye, I really do. I know we'll be together again by Thanksgiving at the latest. I'm looking forward to showing off everyone who comes to visit me (by the way, my door is always open if you want to visit the Big Apple).
I'm just looking for an element of closure or resolve that I fear will never quite arrive.

Reality Check

When did moving away from home and starting a life in a foreign city with strangers go from distant dream to next week's activity?
Well, I don't know how the summer disappeared, but it did. And now I'm packing up my life and preparing for goodbyes. I'm kind of in shock, but at the same time, I've never been so excited. I have a really awesome roommate (only the one seems to exist, but that's cool), I have a cool schedule, and Welcome Week promises to be amazing. So the weight of goodbyes is lifted a bit.
And I have faith that we'll still be friends. I have faith that love will conquer all. I have faith that we'll all change for the better and thus bring back more to love. I have faith that we'll survive this change, this challenge. We have too much spirit not to.

Alphabetical Order

I'm home from work early today because they were out of uses for me. I was watching envelopes go through the printer and checking that they were in alphabetical order. And playing solitare. They said I could go.
So now I can get an early start on my shopping spree at Bed, Bath & Beyond. After actually having a conversation with my roommate, I now know to get a microwave. We're making progress . . .
I need to call the other two roommates, but I'm procrastinating because I have no idea what to say. "Hi, I'm your roommate, we need to decide on a shower curtain"? How do you start that conversation? And as many of you know, I'm bad on the phone to begin with...
I'm sleepy. I slept better last night since my teddy bear was there (aka Jon), but I'm still way behind on my Z's.

Home again!

But now I mean home as in Philly (ok, Laverock .... let's not glorify the location), not Diest. And I have to now pack for my soon-to-be home, New York City (ah, that needs no glorification).
Diest was great, everything exactly as I left it. And I can be sure that it will be exactly the same for as long as I can go back. That's the thing about Diest: It changes, but it's always the same. And in a way, that's comforting. In another way, it has potential to get old. There were moments this trip that it was leaning towards the latter, which breaks my heart. I can't imagine a time when I couldn't return to Diest and know I was safe in that fold between ancient and modern into which it seems to have fallen.
Nevertheless, I left. A four hour delay getting off the ground and an eight hour flight void of movies (not just a bad selection, but actually non-functioning screens) and a two hour drive home from Newark, I'm back. Jetlagged, but back. I had to come back, you see, because I had a stack of mail from NYU that was about the size of Washington Square. All of a sudden, I'm actually going to college. Until about a week ago, it was an aloof thought, a possible future that I wasn't going to face for a long long time. Then I got a room. And roommates. And a handbook, a schedule, an advisor, a meal plan . . . Now I just need to go shopping. If only the list I've been going over and over in my head would magically appear on paper. Let's see:
-hairdryer
-bathrobe
-fridge/freezer/microwave
-crap. that's as far as I get every time.


Well, it's nearly four in the morning according to my body, so I'm going to go pass out on my bed. But before I go, I make a promise to any of you still reading this blog: I'm going to revive it! My thoughts will continue to spill across the webpage, my life's little intrigues will be thoughtfully documented. I promise, Operation Jelly Bean is back in working order!