emotional siberia

another day of snow. as i sat on the couch today, watching episode after episode of sex and the city, i watched the world outisde getting more and more white. i was glad to be under my blanket, but i couldn't shake the feeling of isolation. there was just an inescapable sense of being deserted in some sort of frozen wasteland. alone and cold.
maybe all this couch time is giving me too much time to think. i need a new train of thought - these ideas aren't productive, they can't become actions, so why waste the time and energy to even think about them? because i can't escape them, despite my logical side's protests. well, i guess i'll just have to upgrade that half of myself to a more powerful fighting strategy.

"I know the truth and it haunts me, I learned it a little too late."

expectations

hmmm ... winter ball ...
maybe i was expecting a repeat of homecoming, maybe i was just tired. whatever the reason, winter ball was less than exciting ... really, less than fun. nothing good happened, and enough bad things happened to throw the balance off from "average" to "bad". i'm sure raised expectations are mostly to blame: expectations about where i am, physically, emotionally, expecting to be further along in some areas than i really am. so the evening ended with a late night chinese food run and a very sore body and a generally icky cloud hanging over my head.
while some of last night's realizations are plaguing me this morning, i'm trying to focus my energies elsewhere. like on florida. sooo close. warmth. sunshine. color. music.
i think i can, i think i can . . .

big comfy couch

see, normally, the couch is surrounded by happy conotations - naps, movies, snuggling, etc. not for me. the couch is now an evil creature, drawing me into its dark corners and making me feel like ick. yes, i've rejoined my couch in the bond of illness. but i don't feel as bad about it this time because apparently about 80% of my school is also infected, so it;s not llike i'm the sole invalid. either way though, i'm ready for spring and health and movement. life as a sick person emphasizes the stagnent nature of life around here.

damn you, winter

another failed attempt at rehearsal . . .
this is the second day in a row that i've left the rec much earlier than anticipated due to a lack of actors. everyone is either away or dying of the plague (aka the flu). laurelei rehearsal was also quite empty. i want winter to end so that we can get back on track with our lives. everything seems scattered when the temperature drops, we're not as focused, as able to simply go about life. we need a little energy boost from the sun. thank god i get one in two weeks ... florida, here i come!

double a to the r to the o to the n

yup. i'm nearly 18 and i spent my friday night at an aaron carter concert. well, aaron carter and jordan knight.
it was around 5 yesterday, i was in my pajamas, on the couch, and hunkering down for my third episode of gilmore girls season 2. the phone rings. it's kelsey. here's a breif recap of the conversation:
"do you want to party tonight?"
"umm... where?"
"um, my mom got aaron carter tickets."
"um, i'm in my pajamas already."
"yea, me too."
"um . .. what the hell? why not?"
"cool, i'll see you around 7."
so there i was, skipping out on my couch to hang out with 12 year olds. i had no idea what i was getting myself into - i knew maybe one aaron carter song, and frankly, thought he was talentless. jordan knight ... he was on the surreal life, right? umm ... ok?
we got there and found ourselves face to face with lots of children dancing by the radio disney stand. ok, so we joined in for the chacha slide ... and there were cute guys in burberry ties at the concession stand (yes that does make the glow necklace worth $2).
the opening act - wil heuser - was absolutely awful! he couldn't really sing ... he really couldn't dance ... his fashion ... well, let's just say that kels and i both wanted his red blazer ... oh yea, and he had a song about pumping gas. i shit you not.
at that point, it was looking like we should have stayed on the couch. but we amused ourselves through sarcasm and cynicism and plots to get backstage (those included everything from flirting with the bouncer to scaling the curtain).
then jordan knight came out. ok, not insanely talented, but we got some old school new kids on the block tunes ... we just danced like crazy and things were seeming pretty damn fun. then came surprise guest jeff timmons from 98 degrees. the 12 year old girl within freaked out.
intermission. contemplation of visiting the concession stand again ...
aaron carter. wow. ok, still not a great singer ... but not entirely tone deaf either. and honestly, who cares when you see him dance? backflips off the speakers, incredible breakdancing moves .. and it was a long set, so talk about endurance. i stand corrected - he has talent. not neccessarily musical, but he can really move. he can entertain.
kels and i have been talking about going out dancing for a while now .. well, we danced all night to silly pop music. close enough for me! and if nothing else, it was a break from the deathly monotony of late.
and it just shows how kels and i can have fun no matter what crazy situation life throws us into. tonightm we tackle the hockey game . . .

the right to feel

i've fallen into a place where my emotions are hypocritcal. which is strange, because emotions are (unfortunately) out of my control, whereas hypocrisy is usually fixable. i have no reason, in fact it would seem i have no right, to feel the way i do. but i guess we always have the right to feel one way or another ... it just lacks explanation or justification. but alas, i do feel this way. even i fail to see the reasoning behind it. but can emotions really be explained? i just hate that i can't shake this ... logically, it's totally irrational. nonetheless, i'm in serious need of a hug.

one among many

ever get the feeling that you're not unique at all? that your life and relationships are constantly repeated in various forms? it comes in so many ways ... a conversation that you know you just had, or overheard ... a comment about someone that you can remember being made about you ... that familiar glance that was once directed at you being shot in a new direction. moments like that can make you feel oh-so insignificant in this big universe. you wonder how you became a spectator on your own life. it's been said that there are only a handful of stories to be told, and we just keep telling them, over and over, simply adding a new spin. so what if that's it? what if our lives are just the same old story with a new spin?

6-1

so i attended my first school sports event ever (well, since 8th grade) last night - the hockey game. we lost, 6-1. but it was still a surprisingly good time. it's strangely entertaining to watch these boys beat each other up, hit each other with sticks, fall down. and something about the icy cold rink adds to the experience. not to mention how cute the boys look in uniform . . . =)
the night ended perfectly in the surprise discovery of a prom dress, a pint of half-baked, and northern exposure. oh, and lots of girl talk.
so yea, a surprisingly good saturday night. a break from the monotony.

boredom

life here is offically boring. in spite of all the recent drama ... i don't know, even the drama seems forced, scheduled. it's like the drama is sort of inevitable, part of daily life. every day is the same as the one before. i get up after hitting the snooze button about four times, i somehow get myself into matching clothing and find a way to disguise my unwashed hair, i grab a breakfast bar (which never seems to hold me until lunch), i get in the car and regret not turning it on five minutes earlier after touching the icy steering wheel, i got to school, trudge through classes, absorb very little information, go to lunch (turkey sandwich, apple, soda, cookies), inhale lunch in under ten minutes (sometimes five), go to the library and sit - and do last night's homework - and sit and sit and have the same conversations i had the day before, go to more classes, absorb even less, go home, sit around, do homework (well, not really), go to bed tired and cranky. ive got the day down to the detail because it happens so often. the only break from the monotony comes from players. i need a new activity. a new outlook. a new conversation.

swimmingly

so the show went swimmingly. it was such a rush to be up there on that stage. i was a nervous mess until i stepped in front of the mic, and then i was home. i fit.
the after party was here - my recent lack of a social life left a big gap where the big parties once were. it was nice to have a full house again.
so now it's tuesday. it feels like monday all over again. life has officially become dull. i'm ready to graduate!
the one thing keeping me going is the show. it's such a huge responsibility to have the lead. last night's rehearsal put me into a state of terror that i can't handle it. but i can. i know i can. they wouldn't have given me the part if i couldn't. i'm really excited .. but yea, very intimidated.
oh, and the "warm" weather is awesome. it gives me hope.

nerves

my nerves are being quite mean to me at the moment. i mean, i've always gotten nervous about this show, but this year it's amplified by a thousand. this time, it's a test. i need to prove to myself - and the audience - that i'm good enough to really do this. i need to make sure that i'll be on stage in front of a thousand people or more again. and that terror that is usually relatively quiet is full force today - that fear that i'm not good enough, that i don't have what it takes.

good and bad

it's the whole idea of "when god shuts a door, somewhere he opens a window". we get stuck in an endless cycle of lost opportunities and possibilities ... that is, possible lost opportunities. every time something is going well, something else seems to go wrong. maybe it's to balance us out, to make sure we always have even levels of happiness and shittiness. or maybe it's supposed to be incentive for us to keep pushing to have more good stuff, to beat the race of good and bad. either way, i'd like it if the good could continue, the iffy to continue to improve, and the bad to stop disguising itself as good.