i've been in a reclining position for 2 days now. sickness is no fun. i just haven't had an ounce of energy - pushing my easy chair into its furthest back position was a serious task. but i'm going to the doctor today, so hopefully we'll make some progress. i don't really have time to be sick.
i have decided that there should be a limit on how many people that you don't want to see that you can be faced with in one day. and that limit should be one. now, in a perfect world, that number would be zero. however, this is not a utopia, and those icky people that you hide behind large displays in the supermarker to avoid will inevitably wind up in your path. thus, i propose that we limit this unfortunate experience to one a day. any more, and one is bound to start twitching a bit. i know i did, for i was faced with two of these people today. and while i avoided one by hiding behind a stack of diapers, i was discovered and forced into uncomfortable conversation. the other would have been avoided as well, had i not been noticed by someone else and forced out of hiding. these nasty little moments of awkwardness are part of life, but i am suggesting that they be somewhat contained, so as to not drive us over the edge.
my mind is a mess of reason and practicality that i can't seem to sort through in order to apply any of it. my heart is a mess of pain, sorrow, joy, longing. the only upside to this turmoil is that, for once, due to the confusion on both fronts, my head and heart are not at war. it's a stalemate until one is organized enough to make a move for the crown. and at this point, i have no intention of allying with either.
it's a wonderful town . . .
oh man. i can't see myself anywhere else. we were in a hotel right on washington square. we saw "movin' out" (more on that in a sec). nyu is amazing. new york. god, i'm just in love with this city. i fit there, truly. i just can't think of a place where i feel so in my element. it's alive, it's international, it's gorgeous, it's sparkling, it's on fire. hopefully some of that will rub off on me.
so "movin' out". it was broadway, so of course it was amazing. but words can't quite begin to describe just how amazing it was. the physical barriers it broke alone were astounding. twyla tharp is beyond genius. the combination of her vision for dance and the ability of the dancers created an experience that i will not forget any time soon. i doubt that i could ever move like that, but i still felt every move in my own muscles - they yearned to dance again. the story was beautiful, moving. it was like going to the ballet, seeing a story played through dance. it's an exciting prospect that dance may be on its way back to the masses through a show like this. the most gorgeous moment was a duet, the main couple, dancing as if together, but on opposite sides of the stage. the beauty of the human body and spirit were perfectly displayed through this show.
i feel like i need to make a decision, but every time i get close to making one, fate seems to be throwing a new factor at me, making it impossible to choose. last night, i seemed to have it all (kind of) figured out. but then i had a dream that was so real that even now that i'm awake, the concept of it has me shaken. and that new bit has totally thrown off the things that i had figured out before. oy.
so new york fell through due to a slight breakdown on my part. everything just sort of hit me all at once - college, all the work i have to do to get ready for applying and classes in september. so it's been rescheduled for next week, and i spent yesterday getting organized and doing paperwork. and i'm feeling a bit more in control.
last night, i watched some of our led zeppelin live dvd, and if there was any doubt in my mind about what i want to do with my life, robert plant kicked it out. to be able to ignite that kind of energy on stage is absolutely amazing - and if i could do that, for how ever breif a moment . . . well, let's just say i could die happy.
last night was really nice - well, that is, once it started. i was stuck at work 45 minutes after closing - thank god we had an excuse to leave. i hate my job. anyway, once i got out, it was very nice. catching up with old friends is a lovely past time, especially when it's insanely overdue.
i feel like a lot of things that have been burdens for so long are falling into place, becoming part of me, fixing themselves, and as a result, i feel incredibly at peace. yes, i still have a gazillion things to do and deal with, but some of the major ones that have been bothering me the most are seeming to settle. and i feel like i'm becoming more whole. reconnecting with people, connecting with someone for the first time on a serious level - it's really nice to bridge gaps that seemed too large to cross. it's giving me that confidence i need to try and conquer other seemingly impossible tasks.
so i just planned and booked a trip to nyc for college visits. and i got an application for northwestern in the mail. and i registered for the SAT's. it's all sort of hitting me at once - in a few months, i'll be deciding the next four years of my life. it's scary. the past year, i've been dying to get out, get to college. and now, when it's staring straight at me, i'm terrified. am i really ready to hit the big world on my own? i don't know . . . hopefully, the next year will shape me for that.
i have no idea what kind of schedule i'm supposed to be on. i was in bed at 930 last night, but was tired like it was 330 and i'd been up since 7. oh wait, it was . . . and then i woke up at 630 this morning. but convinced myself to stay in bed for another hour or two. and talking to someone in belgium made me even more aware of what time zone my body thinks it's in. hopefully i'll be back to 'normal' in a few days.
it's good to be back. it was hard to say goodbye, but i'm glad to be back. i've had pizza and a frappaciano. and i spent the evening with my boys. so i'm a happy girl.
quotable quote:
"It's hard to walk away from love, even if you're walking towards life."
dear god, i'm changing my mind a lot. it's as if every day holds a new epiphany. perhaps it was my feverish state, but i've had a moment of clarity, and i'm back to sanity. i figured out what i want, how to work things out, how to get on with life. i'm sad to leave, but excited to get home. i need pizza and starbucks.
Words. Lots of them.
Subscribe to
Posts [Atom]