balance

went to new hope with mom last night to celebrate her being done with summer school. it was great - new hope is such a wonderful place. sitting outside for dinner was such a reminder of diest ... i can't wait! everything is reminding me of it ... and it's so soon!
but at the same time, i feel like i'm already running out of summer time. since i'm so concentrated on getting to belgium, i'm wishing away three weeks of time. and those three weeks aren't going to be all bad, either. i really love work (well, my co-workers at least), and when i get back, i'll only have about three weeks left with them.
i always have this battle between the future and present, and trying to balance them out. and so far, i haven't been able to find a happy medium. i'm either yearning for the future or content with the present, but i can't seem to find a way to be excited about both.

yesterday, i found how lovely little acts of kindness can be. go do something nice and unexpected for someone - it will probably make their day.

feelings

i slept in today. then i took a four hour nap. now i'm tired again. i think i've come in contact with a tsetse fly.
what i love about my house is that there are always people in it - people i know, as well as many that i don't. i love that i can make friends just by sitting on my own couch. this is the beauty of the open door - it lets life in.
the closer i get to belgium, the harder it is to stand the time left until i'm there. less than three weeks, and i'll be home. i'll be sitting at a cafe on the square in diest, sipping a cola light (or tuborg, depending on the hour), watching life, feeling alive. i have to admit, though, that a part of me is a bit hesitant about seeing a certain individual over there again. i've got a whole novel written in my head of things i want to say to him, but i have a feeling that when i see him, i'll just melt like i always have. and i honestly don't know if that's all bad. if i never say what i mean to say to him, i guess it will somehow remain unreal, and i can leave it in the unreal section of my life. that way, i can put all those feelings away when i need to, because they aren't real. how do you decipher which feelings are real and which aren't? they all mix together into a mess of emotions, and it's hard to tell which were felt, and which you just wanted to feel.
and then there are the feelings i know i had, and know i still have. and don't know what to do with anymore, but can't shake.
sometimes i wonder how i've managed to go through so many phases of being so numb, when i so often have so many feelings, i don't know what to do with them all.

i am sixteen, going on seventeen

i slept in today. i slept for about 11 hours. lovely. =)
i really did not want to go to work yesterday, but it ended up being a really nice day - i really love my co-workers.
my birthday is in less than a week! i'll be seventeen. i don't feel seventeen ... but i don't feel sixteen either. age is relative, i guess. i can be three, twelve, seventeen, and forty five all in one day. but sixteen has been a good year - a lot of firsts. first AP course, first major crush on a teacher, first weak-in-the-knees kiss, first real relationship (first major bummer of a breakup), first time out on the road alone, first road trip without parents, and so many more firsts. and seventeen is already looking like a promising 365 days. i'm seriously stoked for senior year - there are so many possibilities. and i get to start off the "new year" in belgium (maybe i'll stumble upon another one of those weak-in-the-knees kisses).

future perfect

so, although i have my fabulous job to fill the hours of the day, summer boredom has really hit.
i spent a lot of time in the past today as i stocked the shelves - the bad music station kept playing chambers songs (hmm, what a coincidence), and i stocked a bunch of items that have at some point been gag gifts at the rec (yes, i was stocking the condom aisle). i missed people.
and then i spent some time in the future - about a month in the future to be specific. i'm so close to being home -in diest - i can taste it. the taste of beer and smoke, the taste of paasendal and grey bread. the smell of the city, the sound of the bells and techno. i can see that gorgeous view from the roof so clearly it's hard to believe i'm still here. i can't wait to be back.
and i miss speaking french.

english class reunion?

saw dodgeball last night. quality film, i highly recommend it. and it was nice to be there with a bunch of friends from my various friend groups. also nice to have annie back and maggie home temporarily.
it was nice to have a day off yesterday. i read (crazy, i know), and, as much as i enjoyed the book, it made me sad, because i really wanted to discuss it with someone, and there was no one with whom i could discuss it. i miss english class! i need an english class reunion.
off to clean!

get into the groove

so i'm starting to settle into the groove of things at work. my feet are still yelling at me, asking me why i feel the need to be on them all day, but they'll get used to it soon.
i miss people already, those of you who have abandonned me for various other summer activities that happen to not be nearby. that's one of the downers of summer - everyone scatters. it's hard to go from seeing my friends every day at school, to being lucky to see them once a week.
must go eat before work.

rain

so i'm enjoying work. it's not glamorous or exciting, but it isn't torture either. but the customers are. oy.
i think my toe is broken. bummer.
it's raining. really raining. i love to be up here on the third floor when it rains - it's so relaxing, so peaceful. even though there's the threatening rumble of thunder, it's serene.

super sexy beige baseball caps

i have joined the ranks of the employed! yay for paychecks! and super sexy beige baseball caps with the cvs logo proudly displayed. i know, the image of that is just too hot for you to handle.
it's nice to be penciled into a schedule before you even get to the interview.

boredom

so the graduation parties are over. and it's officially the end of an era.
i have an interview in about an hour at cvs. i'm finally getting myself employed. my wallet says thank you.
less than a week of being on break, and already, i'm bored. oy. i spent most of last night playing that stupid online crossword puzzle thing. damn you tillman for giving me that link.

singer/songwriter

went to the point last night to see ben arnold. SO good (look into him)! the opening act, mike viola of the candybutchers, was awesome. these guys are just incredible songwriters, and when they take the stage, they have this air about them that exudes confidence and comfort about their work. sitting there in the front row, i wished so much that i was five feet up and on that stage. me and my songs. if only . . .

to life, to life, le heim

so it's officially summer vacation. woohoo!
as we face the summer, we reflect on the year. we're voyaging into our various summer excursions as very different people than we were in september. we have different friends, different likes/dislikes, different outlooks. i'm looking forward to a summer full of possibilities, for people, for adventures - for life. that's what summer's all about, isn't it? living.

swimming pool

so we lost song night. but it was frustrating because, for once, we actually had something awesome and coordinated. but then when we went to actually perform, the cd got screwed up and we looked like asses. bummer.
but then i got to go swimming, and all was right in the world again. sometimes i forget how much i love to swim - the feel of the cold water, the taste, the smell. it's refreshing, as if every time i jump in that cool blue pool, i get another chance. it makes me miss swim team, miss the ranchers.

tumbles

well.
discovering secrets is a dangerous sport. it can be fun when it's a juicy bit of gossip, or something that gives you a clue to a history or future you may have never seen otherwise. but sometimes, sometimes you come across secrets that should stay secrets. because they hurt, they sting. i wish some things could have remained secret, but i guess i'm better off knowing. i'll be more prepared.

it's a hard moment when you realize that someone you've always loved, regardless of whether you always like them, hates you.


on a lighter note:
every day i get more and more excited about being laurelei president. i get more and more exctied that i'm players president. i'm excited that i can be a leader in these groups that i love with so much of my heart (despite the various frustrations they bring up). i'm really looking forward to next year.

i watched the tonys last night, and it was basically a three hour broadcast of my dream. it also reminded me of how much i need new york. it's like my air.

song night tonight. do we even have songs yet? =) strangely, this is one of the things i love so much about my class. as we face our last year together, it makes me sad to know that, despite the fact that they weren't neccessarily my best friends, i have grown up with these girls, they've seen me at my best and worst. i wouldn't trade it for the world.

i took a tumble earlier. on pavement. bummer. i skinned my knee for the first time since i was like 8. in an odd way, it was a nice experience. i was channeling a younger, klutzier (well, that hasn't quite changed) version of myself. it was nice to laugh at myself (since i was alone, and the tumble seriously needed some laughter attached).

roman SATs

SAT II's were this morning. ick. not a fun way to spend a saturday morning. and it was gross and rainy. it's always been icky weather on standardized test days. always. since the time of the romans.

so now that THAT's out of the way, it's starting to seem like summer. minus the weather. and the fact that i have laurelei rehearsal tomorrow. and that i have to be at school early monday morning. aside from that though, it's summer.

at the test center today, i ran into a guy i went to elementary school with. i wouldn't have recognized him if he hadn't come up to me. it was weird to see someone i haven't seen in, what, seven years? crazy. but nice.

destinations

so i just saw harry potter. i'm very annoyed. it was obscenely disappointing. maggie suggested we take a copy of the book, highlight everything that they left out, and send it to them. i'd rather throw it at the backs of their heads. oy.
i'm done with exams! it's summer! i need employment!
the time since i escaped from my precalculus exam has been well spent. sleeping in (well, once), seeing movies, mulching, laurelei-ing (i'm next year's president, by the way! for my feelings on this, read my post on getting players board head ... it's about the same level of disbelief and excitement), and spending time with friends that i don't see nearly enough of.
i highly recommend going with your instincts. it seems to work out very well.

on the way home, i realized that i was only driving down the road in pursuit of the stop sign at the end that would get me that much closer to my destination. but what if my destination was before that stop sign? the street would be completely different. are we just driving to our destinations, regardless of what could be on the path? and how do we know if we're passing by our true paths by focusing so much on our assumed destination?

excuse me, mrs. president . . .

so i'm next year's president of players. tehe. =) i'm really excited. i mean, i've dreamt of having this position since the first time i saw a players show (about 7 years ago). to be joining the ranks of "the greats" (as i like to call them), well, that's pretty damn cool.
one more exam. soooo close. today's was so simple. i'm gonna miss mr. zuniga soo much - he's so wonderful. it's strange that i'm so attached to my teachers . . .

a thought:
do our dreams really have some sort of connection to our lives? i mean, there are thousands of books supplying theories and interpretations of them, but do they hold water? and if so, what the fuck do my dreams mean?