halloween

halloween. growing up it was my favorite holiday - even more important to me than christmas. i started planning on november 1st for my costumes, i yearned for pumpkin carving and candy corn. i loved the rush of adrenaline that came with the entire season.
this year, i spent mischief night at work. i'm spending halloween night - the night that i once spent the whole year looking forward to - doing homework, maybe handing out candy to the few trick-or-treaters that will come by my door. this is like last christmas all over again - by the night before, i had yet to find the spirit, to feel the joy i once did when i saw the lights on a tree. i smell the leaves and i see the pumpkins, and i can remember how i should feel, but i just can't summon the emotion. i wish i could somehow be hit by the spirit, somehow revert to childhood, even for a moment.

once in a lifetime

on wednesday night, we (chamber singers) sang with fredrica von stade. i can't fully explain it because i haven't fully realized how incredible an experience it was. once in a lifetime, you know? listening to her speak about he career in music, i had a sort of gut feeling, telling me that there's nothing i could possibly do with my life that would fulfill me the way a life of music would. i need to sing.

today is the halloween assembly at school, and the senior class is once again uniting to bring home the gold. the whole process of putting this together has put me in a very sentimental place. as much as i want to get the hell out of here, i can't imagine a day without my classmates. they really havebecome my family, my sisters, as cheesy and cliched as that is. we just click, we get along - we just plain like each other. the events of this year are making it so clear to me how amazing these girls are, and giving me that hint of hesitation every time i think about next year.

fear

i have a really astute idea for my race & gender paper. but it's out of left field, pretty unexpected. but valid. i know it's a great idea, one that i can prove. so why am i afraid to go through with it?
why are we afraid to take leaps, even if we can guarantee that we'll be caught? why are we so terrified of the less common path? sometimes certainty isn't enough to make it worth the jump. we stick to our well defined paths, to the routes that have been clearly mapped out. maybe we've gotten too used to this guidance, and going our own way is even more of an adventure now.

to add to this: my idea for my paper is about how fear dictated classical gender and race roles. oh, irony. or something like it . . .

you've got mail, admissions folks

i just applied to college. i sent my life on a few pages to some strangers who will soon be deciding whether or not my dream becomes a reality.
it may take a while for this to fully process.

hug, please

i need a hug.
i'm oh-so cranky. i have baggage to be sorted through, and by putting it off, ignoring it, i've made it worse. now i'm removed from it, disconnected, but it's still there, eating away at the edge of my peace of mind. i was obnoxiously approached by it all today. i could've seen it coming, but i chose to keep on ignoring it. bad plan.
i still need a hug.

wonderful town

ah, new york. it completes me.
it was soo nice to get away from here for a few days and get up to my city. it was rejuvinating, refreshing. i needed a breath of "fresh" city air, i need new faces, i needed the rhythm of those streets. the only two downers: leaving, and the fact that it's going to kill me even more now if i don't get into NYU. i just can't see myself anywhere else.
good times. good people - friends now. good memories - cupcakes, little dogs, loud drunken showtunes, snuggling on a floor of mattresses, watching family guy, chinese take-out feasts, the bite of the air and the smell of fall, giant pizza, a capella. i needed this. thanks to those who made it possible =).

the chill

it's cold. it's really cold. i feel like we missed that nice transitional period from early fall to cold. it went from nice-and-warm-maybe-i-can-get-by-in-flip-flops-and-leave-my-jacket-at-home to there's-a-bite-in-the-air-put-on-an-extra-layer-and-abandon-anything-that-might-expose-your-skin-to-the-chill. and i'm not really ok with all this. i love fall. i love the cold. but i love summer too, and i need a proper mourning period before i put away my flip flops.

as i took my pups for a stroll around the block this morning, i realized the startling contrast between the gorgeous lively colors of the leaves on the trees and the grey dead ones on the ground. fall is a time of both breathtaking beauty and tragic death. life overhead, death at your feet. we get so caught up in the beauty of the leaves that we forget that they are at the end of their lives. in life, do we become so enchanted with something that we ignore the fact that it's waning? will we stay in a relationship past its prime because we are so wrapped up in how lovely it is? and are we simply using the bright hues as a disguise, focusing on the outside's beauty instead of aknowledging the inside's demise? are we using the warmth of the colors as a cover up for the chill in the wind that's just getting colder?

tribute

i hate a goodbyes.
i had to say goodbye to one the dearest people in my life tonight. my mom said, "he's easy to love". it's true. from my first memories of him, to the ones i formed tonight, i've loved him. he's the warmest, funniest, most thoughtful . . . taking in little frogs in the mountains, carrying me around over his shoulder, fireworks, kites, lighting up every stage he ever graced, showing me a good time in the armpit of the world, the best giggle in the world when he's tickled - except when there is an immunity present (coconut soda and kittens), the best prom date a girl could ask for, someone to hug. my first marriage proposal.
this is my tribute to the guy who i can't imagine my life without. the guy who i'll never forget, despite the miles between us.

all my love, all my hope.

doorways

i finally wrote a good college essay. it's personal. maybe too personal. but i guess i have to reveal myself in order to explain why i should be at nyu.
but it opened doors that i've left closed for some time now. not even that i've closed them, in fact, there are still things rushing in and out of them, but i've turned my back on them. i've closed my eyes, my heart, to the emotions wandering through those passages. and now i'm facing them again. maybe it's because i've ignored them for so long, but i feel ... nothing. no longing, no pain. numbness. i'd almost rather have the hurt than this. i don't want to disconnect, it's part of who i am.

best week(end) ever

this has been the best weekend. ever.
blue and gold day (homecoming, day 1): my whole face was blue. i had a blue wig. i ran up and down the field getting people pumped up. (when did i develop school spirit??) by the time we got to the tug of war, it was tied. i'm glad it came down to the seniors. in the end, blue won (which was a nice note to end on) - but i think that the more important victory came a few hours later at the "bonfire" (i know, we haven't had a fire in like 5 years, but i still call it that). we, the seniors, finally listened to each other. and we had a great cheer, we really did. and we won. we actually fucking won. amazing. and coming home to old familiar faces was an added bonus.
saturday (homecoming, day 2): brunch with a dear dear friend who's leaving me for bigger and better things on the west coast. a double viewing of dirty dancing on the couch with my favorite girl. a dance that will not soon be forgotten. the dance was amazing. i just released so much stress, so much anger, frustration ... i sweat it all out on the dance floor. and it brought many things to light - so many things i've been holding onto for so long that i see now can be let go of. it's time to move on. i've changed, they've changed. you can't always fit together, no matter how much you may want to. and new prospects are exciting. we've got a lot of living to do.
sunday (a day of rest): slept in. for real. i haven't done that in ages! players - i'm never as happy as i am at the rec. except maybe in new york or belgium.

speaking of new york:
applications are constantly nagging at me.
and i get to go to my city in 2 weeks! yay!

i realized this weekend that as we face fresh starts in less than a year, we are forming our final memories of each other everyday. every moment is one moment closer to goodbye. we need to cherish every second, store every quote and image. hold on tight now so that we can keep this with us when we leave.