excursions in the w.c.

everything has been turned upside down in a matter of a few hours. my homesickness has transformed to dread, knowing that i have to leave. my cool and collected mind has become a mess of thoughts and my heart is making way too much noise up there. and what caused all this? the reignition of a spark and the knowledge that i haven't been alone when i thought i was lost in solitude. it's amazing how a single night can change everything.
so now i'm all confuzzled again. i know, i know, i probably could've seen it coming.
and i'm ill. vomitting is NO FUN. especially when it's not even induced by too much belgian beer.
on the upside . . . um . . . some clarity? some reassurance? i'm not sure, it's all to jumbled right now.

did you get lost in amsterdam?

i got lost in amsterdam.
ok, that's a lie. but i felt the need to plug guster.
but amsterdam was awesome. museum's galore, beautiful architecture, canals, and a seriously funny comedy club (www.boomchicago.nl). overall, a wonderful time.
and no, i did not buy pot. or a hooker.
but i'm glad to be back in diest, where i can just sit.
finished a great book on the train today - Perfume, by Patrick Suskind. seriously creepy, but seriously good!
that's all for now folks!

changes in perspective

well, a lot can happen in a short period of time. my perspective on things has been completely altered since my last post. for starters, i find myself to be over my love here.  after the craziness of just seeing him again had worn off, i could think about it all, and i've realized that he's an old friend who, though i still care for him, i enjoy spending time with, but nothing more. those feelings are just gone. and i know that it's because i'm no longer that girl in a confused place looking for affection - i've really come into my own, and i don't need his approval anymore. and i guess that's what so much of it was based on. at the same time, i couldn't have gotten to this comfort level with myself were it not for him. but yeah, it's the end of an era.
and plus, i have someone new to think about. someone real.
the other huge change in perspective is my newfound appreciation for what i have at home in the states. talking to some friends online yesterday made me incredibly homesick. and now that i have gotten rid of this burden of my heart being stuck in belgium, i'm really looking forward to being home, with the people i love, and being able to fully enjoy myself.
tomorrow, i head to amsterdam. i'll be sure to bring pot back for all of you. =)

houston, we've made contact

now, i know you're all dying to know what the status of a certain ex-waiter male citizen of diest is, and my relationship with said individual. the answer? he's lovely, and it's lovely to see him again.  no crazy butterflies taking over my ability to speak.  just seeing an old friend and enjoying the fact that i'm back in his company.  either i'm gaining sanity and stability as time goes on, or i was just incredibly delusional this afternoon and thought i was being calm.  but i'm pretty sure it's the former. but it was really nice to see him again - i've missed him, all the little details that had started to fade.
i've missed everyone here.
and i miss someone in the states that i hadn't thought i'd miss . . .
otherwise, life is great here.  back onto my shedule that consists manly of eating, drinking, and sleeping. yesterday, we did nothing. we sat at a cafe (then another, then another) and talked. and sat.  and then came home and slept. then ate. then went to a cafe. then (around 4am) came home and slept.  what an exciting life i lead here.
i'm home. i'm just so happy. i wish i could put words to how i feel about this place, but i really can't. i've tried - i have journals full of attempts to describe it - but it's no use. i just fit here, i feel like me. and i love that. and i hope that someday i can officially call this home.

I'M HOME!

Greetings from Belgium!
I am soooooo happy to be home!! It's almost as if I never left.  When I got into my bed, it was as if I'd slept there the night before.
But, no, I spent the night before on a plane. Very boring and uncomfortable, but what more can you expect?
So I'm here now. Back in my town, back to my big meals, back to my walks, back to my friends, back to my view on the roof. I couldn't be happier.

preparing for takeoff

so i'm getting ready to leave. i can't believe that i'm leaving for belgium tomorrow. it's like i've been waiting for this moment all yeat, and now that i'm here, it seems unreal. i can't quite explain it ... there are just so many conflicting emotions about going, being there. and yes, about seeing him.
but for now, i have to focus on packing! i haven't even started!!!

daring to dream

i will openly admit that i just watched the lizzie mcguire movie. but i'm only admitting to this because it raised a dream of mine that's been taking a nap recently. that, ladies and gents, is my dream of singing. singing to a packed arena of people who love my music. being able to feel the energy of peforming music night after night - for that energy to be a part of who i am. i know that there's a 99% chance that it will always be a dream, but for that 1% chance, i give up my ever present practicality and dare to keep hoping.

fledge

yesterday we found a little baby bird all alone in the window well. we took him in, fed him, gave him shelter. he was a sweetheart. his name was fledge. fledge didn't make it through the night, but i'm glad he went with a full tummy and warm feathers. little moments of reaching out to someone in need really are fulfilling. i highly recommend it.

didn't go to work yesterday due to the fact that i didn't feel well. i still don't feel 100%, so perhaps i will stay in again. we'll see when it gets closer to four.

adventures

i had a day full of adventures.
i went into the city to have lunch with deb. i shopped. i wandered. i wrote. i read. it was all very nice.
i went to the mall with an old friend who i haven't seen in a long time. and i shopped. and i talked. and i ran into another old friend. it was all very nice.
i got in an accident. i was the hit-ee, not the hitter. not too serious, yet not so very nice.

it's frustrating when a choice or idea is completely your own, free of influence, and yet is still seen as the result of peer pressure. grr.

locks of love

so i chopped off my hair. not all of it ... well, almost! i keep going to play with it, and it's not there! i wasn't planning on going so short, but at this length, i could donate the rest. so now i have less hair, but a kid who needs it a lot more than me will have some nice golden locks. there was really no question once i knew where it was going.
i'm still on a high from last night - soo great!

love guster, don't eat them

oh man. the show was soo amazing tonight! we got there late, so we missed most of rufus, but that wasn't a huge loss. i mean, i love his music, but it isn't great live. but we were in position and ready to rock by the time ben came out, and still rocking through the seamless transition to guster. i love guster, so so so much. and they really are one of the most amazing live groups. and by guster i had mostly dried off - but even if i hadn't, isn't a concert in the rain awesome? oh, and since we were with deb we met up with one of the guys from off the beat - way cool.
so all in all a fabulous event!

it seems to me that relationships are struggling left and right, most of them ending in defeat. i mean, in the past few months, i can't even count any more how many relationships have fallen apart. and not just romantic relationships - friendships, relationships among family members - it's all a big mess. i suppose we all come to a point in relationships where you have to either give it 200% or just throw in the towel. i wonder sometimes, what would have happened if i hadn't given up on some? would it have lasted, or would it just have prolonged the pain? and then there are the times that i gave 200%, but the other person had already quit. in relationships, can we ever really win, or are we doomed to that struggle where, most likely, you'll never see eye to eye?

night shifts

I worked the night shift last night, and I'm doing so again tonight. While I'd prefer to work days, nights have their perks. Such as very few customers. And it's nice when the store is empty and you can wander around without worrying about running into someone wondering where the deoderant is. And for some reason, last night's shift went by really quickly. And I like having my days. Went up to the Avenue with Mom for lunch and wandering. It was really nice - and this weather is spectacular. I'd be in heaven if it were about 10 degrees cooler, but I can settle for this with a smile on my face.
Annie came to visit me at work yesterday. It was very nice to see a friendly face - you should all come!
In just eleven days I will be on my way to Belgium. I know I probably seem to be obsessing . . . well, I am. I've been starved of my home, my friends, my heart, my life - starved of all the things I love so much. And soon I'll be able to be whole again. I can't begin to describe how I feel when I'm there. I live instead of just existing.
Guster, Ben Folds, and Rufus Wainwright tomorrow night at Festival Pier! It's not sold out yet! Everyone should come out for this AWESOME show!

bram's takin' us to the zoo . . .

family gathering last night. it wasn't too bad. and i got to play badmitton for the first time in years, which was really fun. it made me miss tennis - there's nothing quite as satisfying as the feeling through your arm when you have a good hit.
i'm off to the zoo to celebrate my patriotism with polar bears and goats.

friendly neighborhood spider-man

OH. MY. GOD.
Go see spider-man. go now. stop reading my blog and go. so amazing.

happy birthday to me

so i'm seventeen.
you know, you always hope that you'll feel older when you wake up on your birthday. but you never really do. i woke up with the feeling that i have the potential to be older though, so i guess that's something. i also woke up with a really sore jaw, because i smacked myself in the jaw last night with a perfume bottle. bummer.
but no more bummers today! it is a day of joy! a celebration of life!
and i'm going to see spiderman!