laramie

i was going to watch the debate. i was going to ridicule our president while ignoring my homework. i was going to laugh.
i ended up crying, crying harder than i have in ages. instead of the debate, i stumbled upon the laramie project on hbo, and couldn't draw myself away. the combination of the piece itself, the story, the words, the power of it, and all the memories of our production - it was an overwhelming rush of emotions, unlike anything i've felt in quite some time. maybe it was because i knew what was coming, maybe because i had a sense of the story as a whole, but as i was faced with the trial again, the homecoming parade, fred phelps, angel action, AIDS, the land, the people ... i couldn't hold the tears back. once they were out, i couldn't stop them. i was crying over jonas slonaker's words that no change had come from it, and then i was crying because i missed kevin and his fringy coat. i cried because of the homecoming parade's tag, and then i was crying because i missed anthony and danny doing the ninja. i cried for the pain and strength of romaine and her angels, and then i cried some more because i miss that speech, i miss the power and emotion i felt when i spoke those words. i miss the stage, i miss the jokes, i miss the energy on opening night, i miss the constant stream of laughter and tears, the fact that it was hardly acting when you got up on stage and started to cry. i miss the constant reminder that all is not right in the world, and that we can't be passive if we want it to change. we can't be content to sit and rest until hate is no longer in this world.

"my first thought was, 'thank god i got to see this in my life'. and my second thought was, 'thank you, matthew'."

thank you, matthew.

pressure

"You have no scars on your face and you cannot handle pressure."
-Billy Joel

I feel like he's saying that to me.
In my new college essay, I open with "I'm seventeen years old, and I only have one real story to tell about myself." And it's true. How can I survive in NYC if I haven't lived yet? How can I handle the pressure of this whole process with the experience to toughen me up?
I can't handle pressure.


On another note, I saw Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights. And while the acting and plot were horrendous, the dancing was amazing. I want to move like that! More importantly, I want a guy who can move like that!! Any males reading this: go take some dance classes. It won't make you less manly, it will make you ten times more attractive!

the amphibious squadron

ah nueva esperanza . . .
yay for bumblefuck. yay for singing for many hours in bumblefuck. yay for roadtrips. yay for campfires and guitars. yay for friends.

cast list is up!!! regardless of where you're name is (mine happens to be across from the white rabbit), it's an exciting time. i can't even begin to explain how happy i am to be going back to the rec full time. it just completes me.

how is it that every conversation nowadays becomes "the college talk"?

dispatch the amphibious squadron. (go see sky captain!!!)

capturing love

have you ever come into contact with a piece of music that changed your life? a song that fully, truly sums up the way you feel about something. i was amazed to find that a single piece of music could perfectly portray love, illustrate the way love feels, the way it acts, the way it speaks and moves. i didn't believe the something as abstract as love could be summed up, could be painted, captured. but it exists - Chopin's Piano Concerto No. 1 in E minor, Op. 11. i highly recommend finding this piece if you've ever been in love, or if you want to know what it's like. it's truly amazing.

if chopin could capture this ephemeral idea on a piano, why is it so difficult to trap it in life? he had his ear, his instrument, the notes, the vision, the emotion. if we use our instrument, whatever it may be, if we have the ear, the ability to know it when it's right, if we have the vision of what it could and should be, the emotion in our memory or imagination, why is it that we can't seem to hold onto this fleeting bliss that is love?

techno beats

i'm listening to techno. it makes me miss home, miss diest. miss him. and perhaps i should listen to something else, get my mind off the place i'd rather be, but it's somehow soothing. it may be far away, but it's there, and it completes me. i'm home again, even if only for a moment - and that's worth the heartache. that crazy beat is the beat of my heart - the techno goes through me, pulsing through me, a rush of sound and emotion, reminding me of happier moments.

wonderland

alice in wonderland.
yes, folks, we have a show. and a music director!! soooo excited. auditions are this weekend - can you imagine a better way to spend a weekend? and of course there will be many ladies trying for the lead role (myself included) - may the best alice get it.
and then it's off to choir camp!! what an amazing group of events piled into one weekend. fabulous.

shall we dance?

went down to the academy tonight and saw 'the king & i'. so good! the costumes we so incredible, the dancing was mesmerizing, and the music was gorgeous - a feast for the senses. i love being in a theatre, i get the same nervous tingle through my skin when the lights dim whether i'm on or off stage. it's like nothing else, and i wish that i could somehow share that thrill with everyone, somehow let them all in on the little secret that is the theatre and its magic. being there made me ten times more excited about players starting (i know, it hardly seems possible that i could maximize the already all-consuming excitement i feel about it) - i can't wait to be learning lines, building sets, forming priceless memories at every turn. making it sparkle, making it shine, giving 'em hell.


as i settle into my life again and start to plan the future, i've found myself wondering what elements of my past i can bring along for the ride. some, i've determined are neccessities, and i'm trying to find a way to keep them (or get them back). others, i'm prepared to let go of. and then there are some that i'm still not sure of - will they fit? and more importantly, do i want them to? or would it be better to leave them behind and head out on this journey without their presence?

random outbursts

SCHOOL.
i don't know. that wasn't exactly a neccessary outburst. i mean, it's really not that bad. yes, it will be a lot of work, but it's not THAT insane. and there's so much that i'm excited about - players, chambers, dance . . . i suppose it was just a burst of emotion . . .

back to school

so summer is officially over. the first day of school was, overall, a success. it was great to see everyone (hard to see a few . . .). and i'm just bursting with excitement over the prospect of being a senior - it's so amazing to finally be in this position of power, to have all of my dues paid. and it's soo nice to be a part of the board heads ... i think we have something really amazing between us. so yay for school!

"this will be my year."

U.S.E me

dear god.
i have a feeling that for the next twenty years, whenever i see a canoe, i'm going to have a meltdown. we rowed a 12 mile river. rather, creek. with lots of spiders and prickly trees that one runs into when they aren't skilled canoe-ists. which we weren't. ouch. and ew. and i fell overboard. i don't even know how, but i did. that sucked a lot, except that it cleaned a bit of the grit off. and bunny got attacked by a mouse. and ariane pulled our boat through sludge amongst the lilypads. and we screamed. a lot (hoping to relieve stress ... or get them to think we'd lost it so that we could leave). and we yelled at fern. well, that wasn't her name, but we called her that because we hated her and needed to be able to talk about her without her knowing it. she was the camp guide from hell. way too intense. and her laugh. ah!! but then we had red, and he balanced out her insanity. and we cleaned the pots with dried leaves and buried the remains. and we couldn't wash our hands because it wasn't biodegradable. wow.
ok, i can't recount everything at once ... more later. when my body stops feeling like it's on water.