one song glory

"I'm writing one great song before I go ..."
today, someone reminded me of a part of my life that has long been in hibernation. call it lack of inspiration, call it laziness ... whatever the cause, the fact remains that it's been over a year since i wrote a song. there was a time that they came to me as easily as breathing - though not all of them were good. but those songs were a huge part of me, a claim to fame. and for some time now, i haven't had it in me to write a new one. i have moments where i doubt my talents, but i have to say that i have written some really good songs. songs that i would listen to. at any rate, today, someone wanted to know if i was still writing, still playing. someone believed in me. and that goes a long way. so now my guitar is back in tune, and the words are coming again. slowly, timidly. it's coming back. the songs are coming back.

global warming is affecting my brain

my brain hurts. well, i have a feeling it hurts. but seeing as it dribbled out my ear about an hour ago and i haven't heard from it since, i can't be sure.
writing essays on a saturday lacks, um, how you say ... "fun". yes, that's it. fun. no, attempting two essays on one lovely weekend day is less than fun. one is a really mundane essay on global interactions in the early modern era ... no big, just dull and hard to focus on. the other is a way cool essay on fear informing modern society and politics. and i'm really into the subject, it's just a matter of getting a global perspective on it and finding enough evidence to back that up.
i think i need a nap.

home again, home again . . .

it is sooo nice to be back at the rec!!! it just feels so right there ... i feel so complete as soon as i walk through the door. and although there is a large degree of sadness over this being my last show, it's outweighed by the excitement of a new show, of being back on schedule, spending the bulk of my time down there. i'm just sooo happy to be back.
in other news, exams are done. and as soon as i finish up my overdue work from the mono, i'll be a second semester senior. THANK GOD. it's about time!

SNOW

i love snow. i hate winter, so snow is really the only thing that gets me through it - well, that and the hope of spring. i played in the piles of it this morning with my pups and my mom - good, clean fun. well, not really clean, since i got covered in snow. but i guess snow is pretty clean.
eagles game is in just a few minutes. hopefully we can break out of this habit and actually make it to the super bowl. if not, i will cry. but i'll have lots of good snacks.
my brain is dribbling out of my ear ... i think this post illustrates that nicely.

exams, energy

so we're facing exams. it's strange to find myself in my last set of exams ever at this school (well, there are always the impending APs in May to comfort me if i'm feeling lonely . . .). i can remember being a freshman going into my first set of upper school exams, being scared shitless, and seeing the seniors rejoice at the end of this ritual ... and being extremely jealous of them when i realized how many more exams were in my future. and now here i am, one of those relieved seniors. granted, i'll be more relieved when i've caught up on everything i missed due to this evil illness. but in about two weeks, i'll officially be a second semester senior. WOOHOO! i thought i'd never make it . . .
also in two weeks: a cappella fest. perhaps my favorite night of the year. why, you might ask, is it my favorite night of the year? the answer is quite simple, really. this is the one night of the year when i can almost taste my dreams they're so close. i'm really happy that i have a solo again this year. it's me, the mic, and hundreds of people in the audience, all lending me their attention for three minutes. and every year, this night reminds me that this is what i should be doing. and every year i get another ounce or so of confidence that i can. and every year, the energy of those three minutes fuels me for months. singing is like oxygen. hell, i'm singing now. i can't help myself. not that i want to . . .

anything but right now

almost there . . .
i've almost beat this son of a bitch known as mono. but in the meantime, i'm exhausted.
bleh.
i want to go back to school - back to reality.
or, even better, i want to skip ahead a few months, be graduating, facing summer, and oh-so-close to nyu.
actually, i'd be happy to just skip ahead to march and be in florida with my friends, singing.
basically, anything but right now.

la guerre de la coeur et l'esprit

as i fail miserably at my attempts to compose a short story en français, i find myself in a distantly familiar mood - homesick. i haven't really missed diest (and all that it entails) in a while. maybe it's because i'm so focused on my own exciting future (rather than my past, or my "potential" future with he-who-we-call-"him"), but for some time now, i've not been lost in the narrow cobblestone alleys, i've not been up on that roof with my view. i've been here. no ... that's untrue. i've been in new york. i've been on stage. i've been in a studio. i've been writing my first book. but i haven't been there, there where my heart has settled. my heart is in diest, but my spirit is in new york. and yet, somehow, i find myself for just a moment back home. back in a café, back with my scrapbooks. back with a full heart and a full mind. back in my own moments of completion. but was i truly complete? will i ever be? if i can never have both my spirit and heart entirely, will i ever be whole?

strange

strange, how in a moment it all comes back to you. as if there was never a recovery period, as if you never moved on or healed. there it is, staring you in the face, tearing up your heart all over again. maybe there are some things that we never recover from, no matter how long we sit in rehab. maybe these moments will always come, these moments where it's made perfectly clear that you can't forget. it's a part of you, a part of your history. like a disease that, though beaten, has left your system that much weaker, that much more vulnerable. perhaps it's supposed to be this way, we're supposed to be forced into remembering - reliving - so that we don't forget where we've been. i wish i knew how i felt. i want to be certain that i'm ok with this as a part of my past, or i want to be sure that i want to forget it.

another blog chain survey

Using only song titles from Avril Lavigne, answer the following questions:

Are you male or female: Naked

Describe yourself: My World

How do some people feel about you: Nobody's Home

How do you feel about yourself: Things I'll Never Say

Describe your ex boyfriend: Slipped Away

Describe your current boyfriend: I'm With You

Describe where you want to be: My Happy Ending

Describe what you want to be: Anything But Ordinary

Describe how you live: Take It

Describe how you love: Complicated

Share a few words of wisdom: Who Knows

only child

so i'm still stuck on the couch. and it's seriously getting old. but i have no choice, so i guess i'll just suck it up until i recover.
im an only child again. it sucks. i hate not having my brother around - the house just seems empty without him. and next year is going to be even worse. see, now when he comes home, i'm here. but next year,, just because he's home, doesn't mean i'll be here to see him. no good. it's so strange that i really like my brother.
so now i'll be stuck on the couch without company. though i've had my share of visitors recently, which has been very nice.
ok, i'm past my energy limit for the day. bye bye.

stolen from . . .

Ten Random Things About Me:
1. My favorite color is blue
2. I have a secret desire to be a secret agent
3. I have mono
4. My favorite fruit is a strawberry (only when perfectly ripe, though)
5. I'm a natural blonde
6. I've lost track of how many times I've read The Great Gatsby
7. Singing is my favorite form of stress relief
8. I'm a Barbara Streisand fan
9. I enjoy thoroughly cleaning my house
10. I'm going to NYU in the fall

Nine Places I've Visited:
1. Paris
2. London
3. Amsterdam
4. Brussels
4. Diest
5. Miami
6. Las Vegas
7. New York City
8. Germany
9. Ft. Meyers

Eight Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
1. Perform for millions
2. See the rest of the world
3. Speak four languages
4. Revisit passion
5. Be published
6. Have a family (however that ends up being defined)
7. End hate
8. Find that moment of true happiness

Seven Ways To Win My Heart:
1. Be confident
2. Have ambition
3. Be passionate
4. Sing
5. Laugh
6. Admit to weakness
7. Be able to really talk to me - about everything and nothing

Six Things I Believe In:
1. Myself
2. Love
3. Music
4. Possibilities
5. Today
6. Life is pointless unless it is truly lived.

Five Things I'm Afraid Of:
1. The dark
2. Being forgotten
3. Hatred
4. Not falling in love again
5. Notecards

Four Of My Favorite Items In My Bedroom:
1. My teddy bear
2. My journals
3. My guitar
4. The arched window

Three Things I Do Every Day:
1. Change
2. Dream
3. Sing

Two Things I'm Try Not To Do Right Now:
1. Sleep or cough (damn mono)
2. Let the past back in

One Person I Want To See Right Now:
1. him

mono

so i officially have mono. for someone like me, it's the most enfuriating disease imaginable. i'm the sort of girl who doesn't like to stop - ever. i don't like to be held back, and it's especially frustrating to be physically weak. i've work so hard to be strong, and the fact that getting out of bed is hard work is driving me crazy. not to mention how hard it is for me to ge behind on school work. i hate being behind, being slow. i'm on day two of couch patrol since school started, and i'm less than thrilled.

the world of those who get out of their pajamas

it would be a lie to say that i feel better. i braved the world of those who get out of their pajamas for a few hours on new year's eve, but that proved to be too much of an exertion, as i was couch-ridden again by new year's day.
i have to return to the land of essays and homework tomorrow, which should be extra fun with my lack of energy. but it's already hit me that i'm a senior, heading into the second half of the year, already into college. let the senioritis commence, i suppose.
next year has been conquering all other thought processes recently. i just can't get new york off my mind. i can't stop thinking about everything that awaits me in the new chapter of my life. i can't wait!!