The Green Light

10.5.07

Home Again, Home Again...

It is so nice to be home!
Monday night and Tuesday were sort of surreal, as I unpacked into a new room and settled into a new house. And Tuesday, I clipped aparagus in our vegetable garden, took care of the chicks in the barn, and did laundry in the barn as barn swallows fought for a nest above my head. It's such a different environment - I love it. I woke up yesterday morning and the back yard was filled with mist coming in off the lake, with the early morning sunlight coming through - you just don't see that in Manhattan.
And now I'm back at the Arboretum. As I process memberships and answer phones and help make events happen (yes, all since yesterday), I find it hard to believe it's been eight months since I last did all this. I really love working here, I love that they know me and I know how things work. The view out my window isn't too shabby either.
Another nice aspect of being home is a certain boy, a boy I am very happy to see everyday (or most days at least) for the next 4 months. Enough of this long distance crap.
So I'm eating a hoagie (I MISSED WAWA), and registering people for the cocktail party here tonight. And I'm pretty much blissful. If only it weren't so humid...

Now when can I see everyone??

6.5.07

An empty room is merciless...

People have been telling me all year how great my dorm room is, how huge it is, how lucky I am to have so much space. And up until today, it was nice. But not now. Now it's big and empty and bare. My suitemate moved out yesterday, and my roommate left this morning. I didn't realize how much of the stuff in here wasn't mine - the TV, the microwave, the little fridge, the light. And I didn't realize how nice it is to have a roommate. I mean, it will be nice to have my space when I'm home, but I never really appreciated how nice it is to have someone around, someone to share random thoughts and food with. I like that.

I'm all packed, aside from my toothbrush. It's been a form of procrastination as I avoid studying for my Psych final tomorrow that, no matter how I do, will not save me from a mediocre grade for the class. I will be getting a bunch of mediocre grades this semester, and I'm disappointed. Not really in myself, I know I worked hard and I know I'm smart. This semester I just took classes that didn't suit me - that's what I get from a late registration time. So I guess I'm just generally disappointed with the semester, and I'm just realizing as final grades come in. But I've made peace with it and I know I'll do better next semester when I'm taking classes I want to be taking, classes that intrigue me and terrify me in the best way. I'm thrilled to be taking on the challenge of the French major, of classes taught in a foreign tongue, of everything being new. But I'm glad to have summer before then.

On a similar note, I'm pretty bummed about the French elections. I mean, I'm not a French citizen, so it's really not something I have a say in, but I'm still not happy. I'm not sure Royal is capable of leading the country, but I can't help but be concerned by the fact that someone like Sarkozy is accepted enough to be elected. I worry about a world that doesn't stand up to the injustice he's capable of creating. I'm biased with my focus on immigration, I know, but it's something I feel very strongly about.

The longer I write, the less I have to turn around and see this massive empty space. I think tonight is the most homesick I've been all year. I'll be home in 24 hours - that's such a wonderful thought.

On a complete other note, I dropped a bag of trash on my toe a few days ago and now walking hurts. It's also a pretty shade of blue. Not cool. My toes and I need to go on a retreat and bond so that we can end this abusive relationship.

3.5.07

Late Night Ramblings

I am so ready to be home. Even though home isn't actually where it used to be, that whole "Home is where the heart is" deal is actually accurate. I miss my stuff. I miss my people. I miss my pets. And I'm ready for the new things. Waking up to wisteria blooming out my window. Baby chicks who need love and attention. Singing and dancing and acting again. Commuting. I'm ready for all the summer classics. Having a tan (via a sunburn). Ocean City. Water in the pool. Wiffle ball. Burgers on the grill. Late nights that turn into early mornings. Bonds that always seem deeper than in the fall.
I've handed in all my final papers, all that's left is a Psych final on Monday. Until then, I'll keep myself occupied by packing and studying. And tomorrow (which is actually today at this point), a very very dear friend is coming to visit and see Spider-Man at midnight. Very good.

It's strange how you form relationships in college. People start out as strangers and in less than two years you're crying when they leave for the summer. Other people start out as enemies for idiotic reasons and wind up as dear friends that you can't explain but can't do without. It's the sort of relationship that neither of you will ever verbalize its importance, but the long talks every few weeks are more important than all the chit chat in between. So here's to peace treaties.

28.4.07

April Showers


So, I know that no one is reading this yet. But I just went through a lot of my posts from last year when I was going through so many bad things, and there were so many comments that made me see how lucky I am to have such amazing, supportive, loving friends. I can't wait to be home and spend an amazing summer with all of you. So I guess what I'm saying is thank you for being my friends. Hopefully you'll read this and know how much you mean to me.

Yep, sentimental. That's what happens in April.

Starting Over

So after observing the rate at which my friends continue to blog in conjunction with the months of empty pages in my journal, I've decided to start over here. There's always a lot to say. So here I go, new title, new template, back in action.

The title comes from The Great Gatsby, which everyone who knows me knows is my favorite thing that has ever been written and I've read it more times than I can keep track of anymore. The green light is a dream, a wish, an optimism that will never be achieved but will always be almost in reach. I know everyone has a green light. I have many. There is a sadness to green lights, as you know (whether you believe it is a different story) that it will never come to fruition. But without our dreams we are shells. Living in New York, I've come across so many hollow people, people who have lost sight of any path. I never want to be that person. Which is why I'm glad it's almost summer and I can escape from the buzz of Manhattan and reconnect with normalcy. I missed out on a lot of last summer because I was stuck in between lives, none of which I completely fit into. I hope that I can make up for lost time this year.

Now, I have term papers to write.
I think I can, I think I can...


"Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter - tomorrow we'll run faster, stretch out our arms farther...And one fine morning ---"

31.3.06

It's been a long day . . .

I need to tell this story so that I don't forget any of it. I suppose that's why we tell any story.

Yesterday started at 6:45am when I woke up with energy for no apparent reason. I had been up late the night before studying for a test/hanging out with Joe and Justin. So when I woke up that early, I was surprised that my eyes even opened. But I was up. So I kept my word and went to the gym with Mary Lee at 7:30am. Half an hour and about 65 floors later, I got off the stairmaster and came back to my room. I showered away the sweat and got back to studying. At 9:45am, I headed over to work. The first hour was slow, since most businesses don't open until 11, but I eventually got into the groove around Union Square and was very successful. It was gorgeous out, and by the end of my shift, my sweater was in my bag and the sun was beating down on my bare shoulders. I then went to take my test, and I'm pretty confident that I did well. Then, it was back to Brittany (via the market to get bread) to make a picnic of sandwiches, salads, and fruit. And then to the deli for vitamin water. Mary Lee and I then hurried down to Chinatown, wandering the unfamiliar streets in the increasing heat until we found the Fung Wah bus line ticket window. Tickets in hand, we collapsed in front of the Buddhist temple until the bus arrived. When it did, we got into the front seat to avoid getting sick, as well as to make us of the table there. We set up our picnic and enjoyed. The girls behind us were possibly the most vapid people in the world, and served as our entertainment for the first 30 minutes of the trip. Then we decided that sleep was a good plan. Around 4pm, we woke up for a rest stop. And realized that we were about a year away from Boston. So then we zoned out with our ipods. Then mine died, so I did some reading. Then we hit another rest stop, though only the driver got out, plastic bag in hand ... I still don't know what happened there. At that point, it was about 80 degrees on the bus, and the driver had been going about 40mph the whole time. So we got cranky. Around 6:30pm, we arrived in Boston. After running around a seemingly endless terminal, we found a taxi to take us to the opera house. And when we arrived, the marquee said "Wicked". Fortunately, Wicked is opening tonight, and last night, Jamie Cullum was in fact there. A great opening act, two cokes, and some goldfish later, he took the stage. From the first note of "Wind Cries Mary" to the amazing finale with "High and Dry" and "All at Sea" (and all the wonderful moments in between), he was an outstanding performer. Sadly, the crowd was older, so we were somewhat out of place standing in the back and dancing around. But after "Get Your Way", it really didn't matter. SO much fun. And so at 10:05pm, our carriage was about to become a pumpkin, and we hurried back to the bus station. We jumped onto a Greyhound (no more Chinatown bus!) at 10:30pm. After about an hour, we were out of ways to distract ourselves from sleep, and we passed out. We woke up in Harlem (never though I'd be happy to be in Harlem at 2am) and were soon at Port Authority. Which was essentially shut down. Into another cab, down 30 blocks, and we were back at Brittany. I said good night to Mary Lee and was asleep within moments of hitting the pillow. Around 3am. An insanely long day made well worth it by good music and good company.
Today, I'm exhausted. But alas, I have to go to work.

7.3.06

Hot Dogs

I just consumed a delicious hot dog (which, by the way are pretty much the perfect food) that I bought from a street vendor outside of the Met. I also decided on a major. Sweet.

And the winner is...Art History!
I always forget how much I love art until I'm surrounded by it. I always go to a museum and say, "Wow, I can't get enough of this." And then I carry on with my life. But today was different. I went to the Met with the sole purpose of seeing one painting (Bastien-Lepage's Joan of Arc). I have a lot of work to do so I was just planning on seeing the painting and leaving. But of course, I couldn't. And as I wandered around the 19th century paintings (my favorite period anyway), I just understood how important art is. It not only tells our story (or anyone's), but it lets us glimpse at the emotions of an era, the subtle ideas that a brush stroke can illuminate. There's no such thing as "just a painting". Every inch of the canvas offers insight to out history, our culture, and our own hearts. And I want to know as much about it as possible.

Now don't think that this means my life path is mapped out. I have no idea what I want to do with my life - I just know what it is that I want to know.

5.3.06

New York State of Mind

I don't really have an explanation for my blogging habits. It's not like I only post when something important happens. And there is no great reason for the lapses between posts - I simply don't do it for a few weeks. I don't think it's a reflection of me, my life...or anything really. There is life, and then there is the way in which we choose to retell it.

I've been homesick on so many levels recently. I've been homesick for Laverock, for my bed and my couch, for my pets, for my parents, for a fully stocked fridge and my own space. I've been longing for Jon, for some arms to hold me tightly, for someone to kiss, someone to laugh with about nothing, to fall in love with everyday. I've been yearning for Diest, for antiquity and tradition, for romantic ideals and ignored reality, for cobblestones and brick, for a world that's always changing but never changes. I miss comfort, I miss security, I miss confidence and serenity. I miss knowing anything for sure. I miss being a child, when being naive was cute and having hope wasn't foolish. In this city, where no one will ever know your name if you aren't careful (or if you're lucky), it's hard to feel most of the things I know how to feel. Safe. Comfortable. Strong. Quiet. Not alone. And yet it is the easiest thing in the world to be scared, lonely, weak. I wrote a poem in one of my first weeks here about the New York state of mind, and I feel that this is as good a time as any to publish it.

We are so rarely alive
That life
In the breath of the leaves as they
await their departure
In the pulse of the birdsong
naive yet sorrowful
Disturbs
This disruption of a hollow existence
Of our carefully crafted shelters -
faces and masks are interchangeable -
Forces interaction
Forces sunlight
through the steel blinds that we
never
again
planned to open.