if you had told me two weeks ago that i'd have a smile permanently plastered to my face, i would've called you crazy. but somehow things have worked out very nicely. the air has cleared over recent drama. the play is coming together. and as if it wasn't enough to be content, somehow i get to be truly happy, too. i have a someone. and he's wonderful. and this is the happiest i've been in god knows how long. goofy happy. it's crazy. but nice. i sure as hell hope it lasts.
ok, well i may be content with boylessness ... but having a certain boy wouldn't be the worst thing in the world . . .
so last night i was in the car, on my way home from a party, listening to john mayer (room for squares), and suddenly it dawned on me: i was totally happy. i was smiling for no apparent reason. and more significantly, i found that i was totally content to be boy-less. see, there were all these moments throughout the evening when it kind of crossed my mind, that "oh, i wish i had someone to cuddle with" moment. but they were fleeting. and by the time i headed home, they were unwanted. i'm not sure how this came on, but it's nice. it's a first in quite some time. and for once, i'm free of him - the "ultimate boy". the one who's always been in the back of my mind (and the front of my heart). for once, i'm thinking without consulting my memories of him, i'm breathing without missing him. i'm me, on my own, on top.
plus, there's a lot more on my plate right now.
like college.
and alice.
Auto response from tillycaster: Alice is coming...
HiPpie9301 (11:18:32 PM): too sooon
HiPpie9301 (11:18:43 PM): too soon for me to let go of another show
HiPpie9301 (11:18:56 PM): too soon for the idiot freshmen who dont get it yet!
HiPpie9301 (11:19:27 PM): too soon for the mushroom
HiPpie9301 (11:19:36 PM): too soon for the first act finale
HiPpie9301 (11:19:50 PM): but too far from costumes
HiPpie9301 (11:20:01 PM): too far from the gremlins
HiPpie9301 (11:20:18 PM): i decided that hell week is actually a hell fortnight, because it all starts tomorrow
yep, it all starts tomorrow. and i can't wait. =)
as many of you know, i've been craving turkey for quite some time now. so i was very thankful to finally have some on my plate.
yesterday was a good day for family. from spending the morning on the couch with my direct family, to a really enjoyable meal with my extended family, i found that i have a really amazing group of people that i happen to be related to. we don't get to pick our families, so i guess i got pretty lucky in being stuck with this one.
let the holiday season begin!
oh man.
and here come the tears. . .
it hit me tonight that in three weeks, this show will be over. my last players fall show will be over. over. it's gone by too quickly. i need more time. i need so much more time.
all you alumns out there, answer me this: how do you leave players? how do you bring yourself to walk out of the rec?
i had a singing party in my car on the way home, going through the highlights from working. it seems like just yesterday i was a confused freshman who had no control over her hips, just yesterday that the mermaids fell over that rock in pan, just yesterday that we squealed at the sight of our patience gowns. when i first took up a powertool for lady. when i last gave my 'angel action' speech for laramie. when i dodged rogue dry ice in museum. when i picked up my script for this show. and further back ... didn't i just light up for the first time after watching the boyfriend?
and that's just one defining moment for each show. imagine the volumes i could fill with all these memories.
mis, mis, geh.
so i'm surviving. jeff got me to focus on the 'buts' - as in, "this really hurts, BUT i have friends who love me no matter what", and so on. and i can mostly keep this optimism thing up. and i think most of it is thanks to the sudden burst of xmas carols on the radio. it's easier to get through tough times when christmas cheer is in the air - it's just a warmer, more joyous time than anything else i could find to save me right now. so i'm singing along with bing crosby and thinking about snow and hot chocolate.
and turkey.
so tonight, i was on the student panel for eighth grade "move up night". we talked about our experiences in upper school, trying to give them a sense of what they're getting into. sitting there, listening to these girls talk about the past four years, i was overcome with so much sentimentality, i didn't know what hit me. i'm so lucky to be surrounded by amazing people everyday of my life - i've come to take it for granted. i have faculty who should be off in the world being celebrated as masters of their craft but stay here to spread their wealth of knowledge in hopes that the spark will reach us. i have classmates who have made extraordinary changes to not only our small community but to the world. i can't begin to express how amazing the experience of springside has been for me, how much it has shaped me. here come the mixed emotions about leaving . . .
as i spouted my lengthy extracurricular list, i wound up delivering a monologue on players. i am so heartbroken everytime i think about the few weeks left until my second to last opening night, my second to last debra, second to last gremlins. second to last strike. the next strike will be my last one, and the tears i have shed on every empty stage for the past three years will be droplets in comparison to the ocean i will weep that day. i'm not ready to leave the rec. i'm not ready to sign the "kyle wall", listing the eight shows i've devoted my body and soul to. i'm not ready to stop giving 'em hell.
oy vey.
what an excess of drama.
yes, my life is full of drama at the moment. no, i'm not going to let it take over. people make decisions, and sometimes there isn't enough thought put into those decisions. and so there isn't a happy ending. at least not immeadiately. but i have faith in the fact that i'm seventeen and have a long way to go before i can hit the "happily ever after" mark. if life works itself out while we're still in high school, what are we doing here? there's a reason we've evolved past our ancestors to longer lifespans - we have more oppurtunities, more places to go. i know i have places to go. so we take the good, we take the bad, we take the heart-warming and heart-wrenching, the laughter, the tears. and we try to find the silver linings and the subtle pains so that we know it's still reality. and we keep going, we keep living. we keep dreaming.
"Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter - tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther . . . So we beat on, boats againt the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."
-felt the need to bring Mr. Fitzgerald into this one . . . he's always given me some hope.
ok, so i'm not quite the M.C. that joel grey was . . . but it was still an awesome show! i just feel so alive on stage, so right, so in place. singing 'torn' last night, putting everything i had into it, it hit me more strongly than ever before - this is what i have to do with my life. i have to sing. there's just no other way that i can live my life. there just isn't.
so now, i just need to get the hell out of high school (and chestnut hill), and get on with my life.
and yet . . .
as we get closer to december, i feel a little piece of me hurting, aching, as it hits me that i only have a handful of curtains left on the stage at the rec. i'm not quite ready to say goodbye to players. i doubt i ever really will be.
mis, mis, geh.
sigh.
i'm exhuasted. on all fronts. i need a vacation. from grades, from people, from winter, from impending doom. i need some sunshine - literally and figuratively. just some moment of true, piercing joy, warmth. i won't survive the season without it.
saturday is cabaret, and while the stress of getting it organized is driving me (and, i'm sure, everyone who's putting up with me) crazy, i'm seriously excited. i've watched for years and years, dying to be that girl who's running the show, that girl who lights up the stage and keeps the energy going. to be that girl whose voice resonates across the room and through the spirits of other young girls, inspiring them to work to be on stage. to be in the spotlight. and to announce the acts - my friends. to present their talent to the murmuring crowd. here we go - another once in a lifetime event. this could be the last time i get a crowd's attention . . but let's hope it's the beginning of the road to larger arenas.
Words. Lots of them.
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