peeps

rant number one:
i've been trying repeatedly to set up my e-mail account for nyu, and failing miserably. i keep getting errors and such. it's like they're waving college in front of my nose but won't let me quite grab it. kinda like life in general right now . . .

rant number two:
wtf is going on with philly radio stations?? let's see if i can get this straight: mix95.7 is now ben 95.7 (and kinda sucky), y100 is no more and is now 103.9 ... and that's now gospel? 97.5 pst is now at 94.5, and the hawk which was 94.5 is now at 97.5 ... i bet i'm forgetting some and i got some wrong ... point being, they (they being the powers that be) have entirely fucked up the radio system in the area. and all in about a month. is it some sort of cosmic lining up of the planets sort of thing that is forcing these stations to go crazy? i personally am pleading for a return to the way things were . . . my sense of balance is way off.

rant number three:
it's spring break, and i'm here. not in miami like last year ... not in orlando like i was a few weeks ago. no. i'm here in pseudo icky philly. bleh.

ok, that's it for the rants.

on a lighter note:
i died easter eggs last night and ate peeps and watched the american president. pretty colors + pure sugar + great movie = yay.

feeling strangely fine

so i seem to be doing fine at the moment, which shouldn't be so surprising.
it was great weekend - i got to see the people i care about but, for whatever reason, miss out on a lot. i'd forgotten what it's like to spend an entire day with someone and not get tired of them - if anything, i didn't want the day to end. it was nice to know that not everyhing has to remain a memory.
the prom fiasco has now been melted down the issue of the outfit.
the play is amazing - off book today, and it's coming to life.
spring break starts on wednesday, and when we get back, we'll have a month of school left. and then comes life.

click

well, the emotional trauma is still alive and well, but there is more to focus on now.
tonight, i clicked. it's my favorite moment of any show i do, that moment when you finally understand what it is your character is saying. suddenly, something is in place, not something that was out of place, but you're just more completely, more entirely the character. it offers me new fuel. now that i get it, i can really work on making it apparent to my audience that i get it. make them get it. it's these moments that explain why i live for the rec. these, as well as the ones during set crew when we find the whip in the loft.

dying to live

what an end to an awful week.
after seven days of painful walks down memory lane, the stress accumulated in an anxiety attack. i hate these attacks so much. i only started having them in the last few years, and they are so horrible. i never see them coming, and suddenly the world is closing in on me, there isn't enough air, my mind is moving so fast. i hate losing control in any circumstance, but this is the worst.
seven days of painful nostalgia. memories of what could have been, what should have been. unavoidable desires to take back actions, to change the course of my life. hating circumstance, hating timing. dying for one more chance, one more moment, one more touch. longing for an opportunity that will probably never arrive. lacking the ability to cry over any of it. dying to live.

"I dry the tears I've never shown
Out here on my own."

miracle of miracles . . .

nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
yes, folks, it seems to have arrived. it's prom season. i personally wish this season would disappear - an entire month of primping and giggling and trying to prove that you're worthy of a date. oh, and finding the means to fund it all. now, it is true that i believe in the miracle of prom. last year, my hand was seriously wounded by a dog bite, but miraculously, my fresh manicure stayed perfect and the wound was on the corsage wrist, so it could be covered up. this year, a friend is getting here braces off the day before prom. so yes, i do believe. however, my own situation has left me a bit cold towards this evening and its preparation. i'm not only dateless, i'm potential dateless. i don't even have a prospect yet. granted, last year at this time, i hadn't a clue of who i'd be going with, and when he did show up he was amazing. so maybe there's hope. well, at least i have a dress. damn prom.


on another note, nostalgia has made me homesick for the guy i trusted with those three little words (and who has in turn terrified me of them).

it's a pangea, if you will . . .

what a trip . . .
our trip to orlando was more than i ever had anticipated. not only did we win five trophies for the competition, but the fun and bonding were beyond anything i was expecting. from airports to universal studios to wet n wild to the hotel to empty malls, we had an amazing time, making new friends right and left.
rather than detail the trip, a few highlights and memories:
-"so there were these two muffins . . ."
-spiderman slippers
-meal tickets?
-"oy with the poodles already!"
-ogre vision
-the hat shop
-jody
-the "dance party"
-singing in an unfinished mall
-the hulk
-bugs!
-"do you mind making your own fajitas?" ... "you mean like in the oven?"
-dee see
-gator bites
-one fish, two fish . . .
-tanning
-under three hours of actual singing
-hannah's inability to finish dressing (or open animal crackers)
-milanos of friendship
-cheeseburgers
-slash fun
-refusal to turn the lights on before absolutely necessary
-bonding in the hallways
-"yeah" (gabey p's rendition)
-"it's a pangea, if you will"
-lean on me

wait, how many trophies did we get? right. FIVE.
thanks for the memories. let's keep this friendship thing going.

the PG rated miami

baby, why don't we go down to kokomo . . .

ok, so we're going to orlando, but close enough. the PG rated miami, as we've come to call it. we're going to go sing on the sidewalks. really, what could be better than going to florida with some of my closest friends to sing? i can't think of a thing. it's going to be a blast. the one downside is that i'll be gettin up around 3am so as to make it to school by 4am so that we can make the flight. goody.
so worth it. =)
i need a vacation from this place and everything it forces me to think about.