Pseudo Ode

Ok, so this isn't my ode to Players yet. But I just have to say that the past two nights have been amazing. I am so lucky to be a part of this, to be able to work with so many talented people. I'm heartbroken (but excited) as I face my final curtain - it's been one hell of a ride. On Thursday, vR told us to think back to our first show, our first opening night. I can still remember the size of the knot in my stomach as I made my way on stage - I was a tiny little freshman, allegedly able to sing her solo, with new choreography (about thirty minutes new) in my head. I was terrified. And just about as excited I'd ever been.
So as I face that final curtain in a few hours, I remember that girl, so full of curiosity and awe. I'm glad to know she's still in there somewhere.
So let's make it sparkle, make it shine, and give 'em hell. One last time.

Calculus Limericks

This is what happens when you're given the assignment of being creative with a year's worth of calculus and you mix in sleep deprivation:


There once was a girl from Philly
Who found calculus to be quite silly
She stared at her binder
Hoping for something kinder
Then decided to move to Chile!

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There once was a girl named Jane
Who struggled a lot with domain
She confused it with range
Which she also found strange
And eventually she went insane!

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There once was a lonely limit
Who wanted a life with more in it
He approached infinity
And felt some affinity
For the fact that he really existed!

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There once was a graph named Livadiv
Who wanted to find his derivative
He checked his slope
For he was no dope
And determined where he’d be negative!

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There once was a function named Raoul
Who teamed up with his sister Jewel
To find their derivative
We need to fight back with
Our good friend the power rule!

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There once was a boy named Fred
Who had many numbers in his head
He tried to add them up
But found it too tough
So he used a big Sigma instead!

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There once was a girl named Lauren
Who thought that word problems were boring
“They sure would be great
If we used related rates!”
And thus was the end of her yawning.

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There once was an indefinite integral
Who wanted the answers to all
“I know what to do!
Just throw in a U!
And now you’re ready to play ball!”

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There once was a girl named Abby
Who confused continuity and concavity
One dealt with strips
The other with dips
But they both begin with a C.

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There once was a logarithm named Bob
Who wanted to connect with the frogs
He changed his base to e
Ln(x) now was he
Ta-da! A natural log!

****

nine reasons to cry

so i'm sitting here. staring blankly at my half-written race and gender research paper. and there are tears in my eyes. and i really couldn't tell you why. well, not specifically. but i could probably list the things factoring into these tears.
1) i have four days of high school left.
2) i'm exhausted (someone was snoring all night)
3) i'm listening to wicked. that means reflection on friendship and excitement/fear regarding the future.
4) this paper represents the shitload of work that has to be done before friday and my overwhelmedness in that area.
5) i was looking at prom pictures earlier - i have the most beautiful, amazing, talented, smart, funny, flat out incredible friends in the world.
6) there were old pictures in the iphoto library from cabaret. laurelei's first major performance this year. as i face the potential of only one more performance with these amazingly talented ladies, i can't ignore the feeling of heartbreak that's been creeping up around me recently. laurelei - you inspire me everyday, you make me laugh, you make me scream, but most of all, you make me proud.
7) there were also dance ensemble pictures. and anyone who saw me at the end of the show on wednesday knows how much it broke my heart to walk off that stage. that group has always been a mixed up sorority of amazing girls (and one amazing woman) who have listened to every last issue i've had since sophmore year. they loved me even though i can't dance. =)
8) i don't think i'm in love with that first love anymore.
9) it's hell week. my favorite time of a semester. i've had seven - i have seven million memories from those weeks alone. and that's just hell weeks. it would be an impossible undertaking to try to count every memory i have from my four years at the rec. i have two more rehearsals for players. i have three more curtains. i have one cast party. i have thousands of tears left, though. i'll be writing a much more in depth ode to players, but for now suffice to say that nothing has ever meant so much to me and i'm terrified of a life without it. but i've been told i'll never be without it, and i'm hopeful that i'll still see green walls and dust when i close my eyes twenty years from now. but enough tears for now. it's time to give 'em hell.

i know i talk about how much i hate it here, how i'm dying to get out. well, yes, i am dying for the next chapter. but i'm dying just as much to keep this page open just a little longer. i have a lot to love here. so if i forget to tell any of you in the next few days: i love you all, for better, for worse. for always.

I'm Ron Burgundy?

yesterday it rained. not cold icky rain that i so dread in january. no. it was a warm downpour, the kind that promises a rainbow. i love to just dance around in the rain when it's like that. it's refreshing, revitalizing. i feel alive, i feel happy. the smell of the pavement and dirt, the sound of the raindrops on the roof - there's just nothing like it.

last night, i was laughed at because my date night consisted of pajamas, chinese take-out, ice cream, and an early bedtime. i see nothing wrong with that. =) pajama parties are really just the way to go. and now i've finally seen anchorman, so i wn't feel so out of the loop when people say "I'm Ron Burgundy?" ... so yay for being in the loop.

first dress rehearsal in about half an hour. i'm excited and heartbroken. a lot of lasts going on nowadays.

Too Much

No, it isn't even 6am yet. Yes, I'm awake. No, I'm not happy about that.
These last two weeks of school are taking so much out of me. I have a gazillion projects to do, on top of regular assignments, on top of spring concerts, on top of rehearsals, on top of performances, on top of sleep deprivation and emotional train wrecks. It's seeming to be more than I can handle. Things are good (well, almost), but there are just too many of them going on at once. I feel like I can't be fully there for anything because I have so much else going on in my head.
Well, maybe that's not entirely true. I was totally there last night for the last choral concert. I was completely in the zone for my solo. It's such an amazing thing to start a song without nerves and be shaking by the end.
And I'm all in with Players, too. Though I guess that isn't exactly a new thing. I'm savoring every moment.
It's all very exhausting. I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open as I crank out a short story. I need a day off. But I don't think I'll be getting one any time soon ...

My Senior Prom

oh, prom.
i survived. somehow.
i'm still not really sure that i went. june is going to appear and i'll be wondering why i missed my senior prom.
i mean, i got groomed - nails, hair. that was cool.
and there was dancing. that was pretty neat.
the food was kinda weird.
there were shirley temples. sweet.
everyone was all pretty and stuff.
they played styx.
and the who.
i did cotton eye joe in my three inch heels. i was proud.
a ghost tried to kill us in the girls' bathroom by shattering glass. that was creepy.
people hooked up. people fought. people laughed, people cried. people missed out on sleep.
we got clocks.
. . .
yeah.


so now that that's over with, time to resume reality. i move that we nix the damage control portion of proma - monday morning is hard enough without the added headache of jealousy and bitterness over one night that in the long run will do little to define us. i miss reality! please help me to rediscover it with the least amount of irreparable damage.

amazing mode

just when i thought things were on a downslide, they started to look up. no, not just look up - my life seems to have suddenly shifted into amazing mode. i was in new york today with the senior girls, and i realized how lucky i am. i have amazing friends who will always be there for me, and i have an incredible future ahead of me, full of momentary and epic adventures. and somehow, i'm just as thrilled about the present as the future. turns out not every finished book needs to stay shut forever - and the story seems even better the second time around.

now we just need to survive the prom . . .

For Good

So I was given a lead on a song for Laurelei to sing at graduation, "For Good" from Wicked. It's a beautiful song, and here I go again getting sentimental. It's been a week of reflection on those who have really changed me, from an ex-boyfriend who showed me that I could be happy with more than just me to care about, to my first love who taught me how to live with passion and how to go weak in the knees, from the girl who will always listen to me when I'm being ridiculous and somehow manage to bring me back to reality and sympathize at the same time, to the school that taught me how to be strong and independent. We are always shaped by the people we come into contact with, from the everlasting imprint of a first love to the subtle impression of a single act of kindness. I guess all my theories of living in a cave and avoiding human contact to hide from pain wouldn't pan out too well after all. As I face three more weeks of high school, I can't imagine where I would be without a single person who has crossed my path over the past four years, the past eight ... the past seventeen. I am who I am today because of you all, and I'm so grateful for every alteration. I'm ready to face "the real world" because of the foundation I have here, and I'm ready to cross paths with everyone in New York - I'm ready for that next step of self realization.

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you.

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend.

Because I knew you
I have been changed for good.

hands down

so i was a badass yesterday and left school for a "doctor's appointment". turns out my doctor is down at citizens bank park. i'd never been to a home opener, and boy did i luck out with my first time. row 13 behind home plate, hot dogs, crabfries, sunshine, and the phillies won (i guess i was a good luck charm)! i tend to forget how much i love baseball until i'm there, i can smell it, i can hear it, i can feel it. baseball really becomes a part of your soul, something you can't ignore, something you'll always feel and love. yeah, baseball.
"Hands down, this is the best day I can ever remember. I'll always remember."

it was 65 degrees and sunny today. my mood is very much dependent upon the weather, so clearly, i'm quite cheerful. i just feel the sun through and through, it warms me and melts any knots of frustration. i drove home with the windows down. it's time for skirts and my spring mix of music. it's time to live again. i've felt more alive in the past 48hours than i have in the past few months. i'm aware, i'm in tune. i'm alive. tired from day light savings, but alive.

ah. so this is how it feels . . .

oh, right, there's the sentimentality . . .
for the past few months, i've been oh-so ready to get out, to graduate, to get to new york and start fresh. that longing for senior year to go on forever never really showed up. well, it hasn't appeared quite so strongly, but i do finally feel that pang of loving things around here and wishing i didn't have to say goodbye to them just yet. last night at the off the beat show, they had a tribute to their seniors, and i suddenly felt that moment of "oh my god, this is the last time i'll be doing this". i'm suddenly aware of the fact that i only have a month left of classes, one month of definite time with the people i spend almost all of my time with. only three more performances with laurelei (though there are still plenty of rehearsals left . . .). only a handful of dance rehearsals. and, most painful to accept, only one more month of players. one more hell week. three more curtains. one last cry. (well, there will be a lot of cries, but only one more of that huge final cry at strike.)
i've been comforting all those around me who were not quite so ready to break free by saying how much time we still had. "we still have eight months!" turns out we only have five til we're gone, and only about two til we could potentially never see each other again.
so there you go. i finally get it. i'm finally hesitant about turning the page and starting the new chapter of life.