nine reasons to cry

so i'm sitting here. staring blankly at my half-written race and gender research paper. and there are tears in my eyes. and i really couldn't tell you why. well, not specifically. but i could probably list the things factoring into these tears.
1) i have four days of high school left.
2) i'm exhausted (someone was snoring all night)
3) i'm listening to wicked. that means reflection on friendship and excitement/fear regarding the future.
4) this paper represents the shitload of work that has to be done before friday and my overwhelmedness in that area.
5) i was looking at prom pictures earlier - i have the most beautiful, amazing, talented, smart, funny, flat out incredible friends in the world.
6) there were old pictures in the iphoto library from cabaret. laurelei's first major performance this year. as i face the potential of only one more performance with these amazingly talented ladies, i can't ignore the feeling of heartbreak that's been creeping up around me recently. laurelei - you inspire me everyday, you make me laugh, you make me scream, but most of all, you make me proud.
7) there were also dance ensemble pictures. and anyone who saw me at the end of the show on wednesday knows how much it broke my heart to walk off that stage. that group has always been a mixed up sorority of amazing girls (and one amazing woman) who have listened to every last issue i've had since sophmore year. they loved me even though i can't dance. =)
8) i don't think i'm in love with that first love anymore.
9) it's hell week. my favorite time of a semester. i've had seven - i have seven million memories from those weeks alone. and that's just hell weeks. it would be an impossible undertaking to try to count every memory i have from my four years at the rec. i have two more rehearsals for players. i have three more curtains. i have one cast party. i have thousands of tears left, though. i'll be writing a much more in depth ode to players, but for now suffice to say that nothing has ever meant so much to me and i'm terrified of a life without it. but i've been told i'll never be without it, and i'm hopeful that i'll still see green walls and dust when i close my eyes twenty years from now. but enough tears for now. it's time to give 'em hell.

i know i talk about how much i hate it here, how i'm dying to get out. well, yes, i am dying for the next chapter. but i'm dying just as much to keep this page open just a little longer. i have a lot to love here. so if i forget to tell any of you in the next few days: i love you all, for better, for worse. for always.