doorways

i finally wrote a good college essay. it's personal. maybe too personal. but i guess i have to reveal myself in order to explain why i should be at nyu.
but it opened doors that i've left closed for some time now. not even that i've closed them, in fact, there are still things rushing in and out of them, but i've turned my back on them. i've closed my eyes, my heart, to the emotions wandering through those passages. and now i'm facing them again. maybe it's because i've ignored them for so long, but i feel ... nothing. no longing, no pain. numbness. i'd almost rather have the hurt than this. i don't want to disconnect, it's part of who i am.