feelings

i slept in today. then i took a four hour nap. now i'm tired again. i think i've come in contact with a tsetse fly.
what i love about my house is that there are always people in it - people i know, as well as many that i don't. i love that i can make friends just by sitting on my own couch. this is the beauty of the open door - it lets life in.
the closer i get to belgium, the harder it is to stand the time left until i'm there. less than three weeks, and i'll be home. i'll be sitting at a cafe on the square in diest, sipping a cola light (or tuborg, depending on the hour), watching life, feeling alive. i have to admit, though, that a part of me is a bit hesitant about seeing a certain individual over there again. i've got a whole novel written in my head of things i want to say to him, but i have a feeling that when i see him, i'll just melt like i always have. and i honestly don't know if that's all bad. if i never say what i mean to say to him, i guess it will somehow remain unreal, and i can leave it in the unreal section of my life. that way, i can put all those feelings away when i need to, because they aren't real. how do you decipher which feelings are real and which aren't? they all mix together into a mess of emotions, and it's hard to tell which were felt, and which you just wanted to feel.
and then there are the feelings i know i had, and know i still have. and don't know what to do with anymore, but can't shake.
sometimes i wonder how i've managed to go through so many phases of being so numb, when i so often have so many feelings, i don't know what to do with them all.