couch

i'm so sorry to have disappeared like that!
you see, i've been incapacitated. this is the first time in a week that i've felt relatively healthy - i even showered and put on real clothing! i've had a fever since last wednesday. no fun. some days worse, some better, but everyday enough to keep me from doing anything but sitting limply on the couch. i've seen a lot of movies (none of note), a lot of crappy tv, and mostly the insides of my eyelids. i got angels & demons for xmas, and i've been dying to read it, but sitting up and turning pages is generally beyond the limits of my energy. but i'm getting there. or at least im pretending that i am.

jingle bells, jingle bells . . .

I LOVE NEW YORK!
we went up to see the radio city christmas spectacular - so amazing. i don't think that any place in the world can get you into the xmas spirit like new york city. the lights, the trees, the music ... it's so wonderful. and it was so nice to know that next year, i won't just be there for day trips - i'll live there. it truly will be my city.
tonight is out superduper xmas party, and i couldn't be more excited. this night is christmas for me. my house is filled with warmth and love and joy. i love it.
so, i'm officially in the spirit of the season. =)

wait, what was that? . . .

my attention span should go into a world records book for being the shortest EVER. i can't focus for my life. and i hardly have any good reason for it. yes, i do have a distraction ... but i had no idea i would be this sidetracked by it. i guess it's nice though . . .

i miss mr. martin's english class. just little details. resting my elbow on monty's knee while we read, crazy jams from the music wing, northern exposure, that classroom, our circle, our list of yellow things, lemons ... i can't wait to be back in there. and yet, i've fallen in love with my current class. what is it about english classes that you bond so much? maybe because it's constant discussion, constant revelations - always a bit of soul searching and self discovery through these characters. i'll miss that sort of intimacy next year.

i'm trying to get into the xmas spirit again. i'm almost there, i think . . .

these papers don't seem to want to be written . . .

blech . . .

post play depression

i'm in my usual state of post show depression.
everytime i sign that wall a little piece of me dies. everytime vR and Smith force me off the darkened stage, i feel my heart break. and knowing that i only have one left is killing me. i was looking around the green room last night as i stood up on my chair, and i saw my name in so many places, and i saw the names of those who have inspired me so much, and i realized fully how much of myself i have put into players. my heart and soul have been given away to the rec. players is my true love.
the show was amazing. yes, there were gremlins, but we overcame them. we really put on an incredible production. we had to turn people away on friday because it was so packed. people are finally getting it - they want to have a piece of the magic of players in their lives.
the board sleepover was fun, as usual (and efficient!). and the lack of sleep didn't seem to matter much as we wander through target with our boobahs and condoms.
then came the awards ceremony. since my first show, i've dreamed of the moment when i would get my pin. the fantasy is pretty dull in comparison to the reality. everyone knows how much i love players, how much i care - but having it put into words, into emotions by mr vR ... i just can't explain how much it means to me that i've been allowed to give myself to this group. and i (along with brian) got the macguyver ... i never thought i'd be recognized for that. i just didn't think anyone cared about what i do when i'm at set. maybe that'll be incentive for more ladies to join me at crew.
the unofficial cast party was fun - for a while. it was so nice to spend time with everyone for one last night. we always say how much we wish we were friends outside of players, but it never happens. maybe this time . . . the night ended up going downhill for me (i have a feeling that the alcohol in my system didn't help my emotional train wreck), but in the long run, i guess that's not really important.
so that's my tiny attempt at explaining the past few days. i want players to last forever. and i guess it will - i may not be there twice a day, i may not be the one leading the moxy cheers, i may not be the one crying on the empty stage at the end, but somewhere within myself, i'll always be there. i'll always be at the rec. i'll always be a player. my name will always be on those walls (even after they paint over them for the next generation). the walls will whisper my name, they'll whisper my stories. they will allow the legend we've begun to live on forever.
thank you to all players, new and old, for creating a place where i can always be home.

moxy

GOT A LOT OF MOXY!

like a bird

"now i don't want to say goodbye
it's just that every time you try
to tell me that you love me,
each and every single day
i know i'm going to have to eventually
give you away.
though my love is real,
though my love is true,
i'm just scared
that we may fall through.
i'm like a bird,
i'll only fly away.
i don't know where my home is,
i don't know where my soul is."

day 3

ok. tonight was much better. despite some shaky scenes, some lost lines, and some serious talking backstage ... it was better. and i'm starting to feel it - you know what it is. moxy. it's there. ready to come out. and it's really amazing to be president ... a lifelong dream realized. it's priceless.
yay for finding moxy!

oh, another priceless players moment: my mic pack decided to fall from my waist to my ankle in the middle of my dance. yeah, had to cut out some jumps . . . but the show must go on!

hell week

and so it begins.
well, the first dress rehearsal is always shaky, right?
after six hours of stop and go, shushing, a sweat inducing costume, painful realizations, and a lack of stress relief outlets, i was, maybe for the first time ever, ready to leave the rec. and yet, now that i'm home, i'm wishing i was back there. it's a thrilling time. and the show is gonna be great, i know it is. i have faith. so i'm shaking the crankiness and cultivating my moxy.

college?

"Dear Heather,

Thank you very much for your application for admission to New York University. We very much appreciate your interest in NYU.

We have just completed our review of your application and I must inform you that we are unable to offer you admission into the College of Arts and Science."

Ok, so i died a little right there.
But, there is always a BUT.

"However, I am delighted to tell you that your application has been selected for the General Studies Program."

Well, why didn't you just say so?
So it's not CAS. But it's still NYU. It's liberal arts - that's what I would've been doing anyway. And it's still four years. And it's NYU!
So I got into NYU. My moment of disappointment has passed for the most part. I'm going to college! There will be a meeting with the guidance counseler tomorrow, but I think it's looking pretty certain that I'll be in NYC for the next four years.
Wow.
I'm on emotional overload at the moment.