dying to live

what an end to an awful week.
after seven days of painful walks down memory lane, the stress accumulated in an anxiety attack. i hate these attacks so much. i only started having them in the last few years, and they are so horrible. i never see them coming, and suddenly the world is closing in on me, there isn't enough air, my mind is moving so fast. i hate losing control in any circumstance, but this is the worst.
seven days of painful nostalgia. memories of what could have been, what should have been. unavoidable desires to take back actions, to change the course of my life. hating circumstance, hating timing. dying for one more chance, one more moment, one more touch. longing for an opportunity that will probably never arrive. lacking the ability to cry over any of it. dying to live.

"I dry the tears I've never shown
Out here on my own."