thoughts...

Now, I realize that I haven't updated in a few weeks. And yet, I somehow don't feel bad. I feel like I don't have anything to say, thus no need to blog. Though I suppose that isn't true. I do have a lot to say, but I've been letting it out in other forums. E-mails, songs, my journal. I've been thinking a lot, but nothing has seeemed like a topic of interest for a blog. I could talk about the trials and triumphs of my relationship, I could talk about excitement over travel and the prospect of being an adult and college, I could talk about my job, the books I'm reading, conversations and minor adventures I've had. But none of that seems to call me towards my blog. It does call me towards those other forums, though. Perhaps it's a different nature that flows through my thoughts right now, perhaps it's just the season.

I will say one thing, though.
I miss the way things were in April, before I changed, before life changed me. I miss the constant nature of daily life, gossip in the library, absolute boredom, unavoidable laughter, an unspoken bond that none of us could shake. But then things changed. Projects happened and schedules got tricky. I chose to go with the easier option of company, to become nearly exclusive in my company rather than make the effort to coordinate otherwise. And for that, I'm sorry. I realized halfway through that this was the case, but it seemed that things would clear up once summer started and schedules got more regular. But I forgot to take into account that everyone would scatter as soon as graduation was over. Camp, trips, jobs ... the things I thought would serve as a regulator have become the thing keeping me from getting back to the way we were. It is my not so silent fear that we've already scattered, the way I knew we would in the fall. We've already said good-bye to two friends as they set off for training. Some will be gone all summer, others for a week or two - but will there ever again be a moment when we return to that reassuring constant lifestyle of April? I fear the answer is "No". I wasn't prepared to close that chapter of life until the end of August, and it's a rude awakening to find myself unprepared when it ends.