The Green Light

Home Again, Home Again...

2007-05-10T12:26:00.000-04:00

It is so nice to be home!
Monday night and Tuesday were sort of surreal, as I unpacked into a new room and settled into a new house. And Tuesday, I clipped aparagus in our vegetable garden, took care of the chicks in the barn, and did laundry in the barn as barn swallows fought for a nest above my head. It's such a different environment - I love it. I woke up yesterday morning and the back yard was filled with mist coming in off the lake, with the early morning sunlight coming through - you just don't see that in Manhattan.
And now I'm back at the Arboretum. As I process memberships and answer phones and help make events happen (yes, all since yesterday), I find it hard to believe it's been eight months since I last did all this. I really love working here, I love that they know me and I know how things work. The view out my window isn't too shabby either.
Another nice aspect of being home is a certain boy, a boy I am very happy to see everyday (or most days at least) for the next 4 months. Enough of this long distance crap.
So I'm eating a hoagie (I MISSED WAWA), and registering people for the cocktail party here tonight. And I'm pretty much blissful. If only it weren't so humid...

Now when can I see everyone??

An empty room is merciless...

2007-05-06T19:15:00.000-04:00

People have been telling me all year how great my dorm room is, how huge it is, how lucky I am to have so much space. And up until today, it was nice. But not now. Now it's big and empty and bare. My suitemate moved out yesterday, and my roommate left this morning. I didn't realize how much of the stuff in here wasn't mine - the TV, the microwave, the little fridge, the light. And I didn't realize how nice it is to have a roommate. I mean, it will be nice to have my space when I'm home, but I never really appreciated how nice it is to have someone around, someone to share random thoughts and food with. I like that.

I'm all packed, aside from my toothbrush. It's been a form of procrastination as I avoid studying for my Psych final tomorrow that, no matter how I do, will not save me from a mediocre grade for the class. I will be getting a bunch of mediocre grades this semester, and I'm disappointed. Not really in myself, I know I worked hard and I know I'm smart. This semester I just took classes that didn't suit me - that's what I get from a late registration time. So I guess I'm just generally disappointed with the semester, and I'm just realizing as final grades come in. But I've made peace with it and I know I'll do better next semester when I'm taking classes I want to be taking, classes that intrigue me and terrify me in the best way. I'm thrilled to be taking on the challenge of the French major, of classes taught in a foreign tongue, of everything being new. But I'm glad to have summer before then.

On a similar note, I'm pretty bummed about the French elections. I mean, I'm not a French citizen, so it's really not something I have a say in, but I'm still not happy. I'm not sure Royal is capable of leading the country, but I can't help but be concerned by the fact that someone like Sarkozy is accepted enough to be elected. I worry about a world that doesn't stand up to the injustice he's capable of creating. I'm biased with my focus on immigration, I know, but it's something I feel very strongly about.

The longer I write, the less I have to turn around and see this massive empty space. I think tonight is the most homesick I've been all year. I'll be home in 24 hours - that's such a wonderful thought.

On a complete other note, I dropped a bag of trash on my toe a few days ago and now walking hurts. It's also a pretty shade of blue. Not cool. My toes and I need to go on a retreat and bond so that we can end this abusive relationship.

Late Night Ramblings

2007-05-03T01:43:00.000-04:00

I am so ready to be home. Even though home isn't actually where it used to be, that whole "Home is where the heart is" deal is actually accurate. I miss my stuff. I miss my people. I miss my pets. And I'm ready for the new things. Waking up to wisteria blooming out my window. Baby chicks who need love and attention. Singing and dancing and acting again. Commuting. I'm ready for all the summer classics. Having a tan (via a sunburn). Ocean City. Water in the pool. Wiffle ball. Burgers on the grill. Late nights that turn into early mornings. Bonds that always seem deeper than in the fall.
I've handed in all my final papers, all that's left is a Psych final on Monday. Until then, I'll keep myself occupied by packing and studying. And tomorrow (which is actually today at this point), a very very dear friend is coming to visit and see Spider-Man at midnight. Very good.

It's strange how you form relationships in college. People start out as strangers and in less than two years you're crying when they leave for the summer. Other people start out as enemies for idiotic reasons and wind up as dear friends that you can't explain but can't do without. It's the sort of relationship that neither of you will ever verbalize its importance, but the long talks every few weeks are more important than all the chit chat in between. So here's to peace treaties.

April Showers

2007-04-28T17:08:00.000-04:00

So, I know that no one is reading this yet. But I just went through a lot of my posts from last year when I was going through so many bad things, and there were so many comments that made me see how lucky I am to have such amazing, supportive, loving friends. I can't wait to be home and spend an amazing summer with all of you. So I guess what I'm saying is thank you for being my friends. Hopefully you'll read this and know how much you mean to me.

Yep, sentimental. That's what happens in April.

Starting Over

2007-04-28T00:20:00.000-04:00

So after observing the rate at which my friends continue to blog in conjunction with the months of empty pages in my journal, I've decided to start over here. There's always a lot to say. So here I go, new title, new template, back in action.

The title comes from The Great Gatsby, which everyone who knows me knows is my favorite thing that has ever been written and I've read it more times than I can keep track of anymore. The green light is a dream, a wish, an optimism that will never be achieved but will always be almost in reach. I know everyone has a green light. I have many. There is a sadness to green lights, as you know (whether you believe it is a different story) that it will never come to fruition. But without our dreams we are shells. Living in New York, I've come across so many hollow people, people who have lost sight of any path. I never want to be that person. Which is why I'm glad it's almost summer and I can escape from the buzz of Manhattan and reconnect with normalcy. I missed out on a lot of last summer because I was stuck in between lives, none of which I completely fit into. I hope that I can make up for lost time this year.

Now, I have term papers to write.
I think I can, I think I can...

"Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter - tomorrow we'll run faster, stretch out our arms farther...And one fine morning ---"

It's been a long day . . .

2006-03-31T14:16:00.000-05:00

I need to tell this story so that I don't forget any of it. I suppose that's why we tell any story.

Yesterday started at 6:45am when I woke up with energy for no apparent reason. I had been up late the night before studying for a test/hanging out with Joe and Justin. So when I woke up that early, I was surprised that my eyes even opened. But I was up. So I kept my word and went to the gym with Mary Lee at 7:30am. Half an hour and about 65 floors later, I got off the stairmaster and came back to my room. I showered away the sweat and got back to studying. At 9:45am, I headed over to work. The first hour was slow, since most businesses don't open until 11, but I eventually got into the groove around Union Square and was very successful. It was gorgeous out, and by the end of my shift, my sweater was in my bag and the sun was beating down on my bare shoulders. I then went to take my test, and I'm pretty confident that I did well. Then, it was back to Brittany (via the market to get bread) to make a picnic of sandwiches, salads, and fruit. And then to the deli for vitamin water. Mary Lee and I then hurried down to Chinatown, wandering the unfamiliar streets in the increasing heat until we found the Fung Wah bus line ticket window. Tickets in hand, we collapsed in front of the Buddhist temple until the bus arrived. When it did, we got into the front seat to avoid getting sick, as well as to make us of the table there. We set up our picnic and enjoyed. The girls behind us were possibly the most vapid people in the world, and served as our entertainment for the first 30 minutes of the trip. Then we decided that sleep was a good plan. Around 4pm, we woke up for a rest stop. And realized that we were about a year away from Boston. So then we zoned out with our ipods. Then mine died, so I did some reading. Then we hit another rest stop, though only the driver got out, plastic bag in hand ... I still don't know what happened there. At that point, it was about 80 degrees on the bus, and the driver had been going about 40mph the whole time. So we got cranky. Around 6:30pm, we arrived in Boston. After running around a seemingly endless terminal, we found a taxi to take us to the opera house. And when we arrived, the marquee said "Wicked". Fortunately, Wicked is opening tonight, and last night, Jamie Cullum was in fact there. A great opening act, two cokes, and some goldfish later, he took the stage. From the first note of "Wind Cries Mary" to the amazing finale with "High and Dry" and "All at Sea" (and all the wonderful moments in between), he was an outstanding performer. Sadly, the crowd was older, so we were somewhat out of place standing in the back and dancing around. But after "Get Your Way", it really didn't matter. SO much fun. And so at 10:05pm, our carriage was about to become a pumpkin, and we hurried back to the bus station. We jumped onto a Greyhound (no more Chinatown bus!) at 10:30pm. After about an hour, we were out of ways to distract ourselves from sleep, and we passed out. We woke up in Harlem (never though I'd be happy to be in Harlem at 2am) and were soon at Port Authority. Which was essentially shut down. Into another cab, down 30 blocks, and we were back at Brittany. I said good night to Mary Lee and was asleep within moments of hitting the pillow. Around 3am. An insanely long day made well worth it by good music and good company.
Today, I'm exhausted. But alas, I have to go to work.

Hot Dogs

2006-03-07T16:43:00.000-05:00

I just consumed a delicious hot dog (which, by the way are pretty much the perfect food) that I bought from a street vendor outside of the Met. I also decided on a major. Sweet.

And the winner is...Art History!
I always forget how much I love art until I'm surrounded by it. I always go to a museum and say, "Wow, I can't get enough of this." And then I carry on with my life. But today was different. I went to the Met with the sole purpose of seeing one painting (Bastien-Lepage's Joan of Arc). I have a lot of work to do so I was just planning on seeing the painting and leaving. But of course, I couldn't. And as I wandered around the 19th century paintings (my favorite period anyway), I just understood how important art is. It not only tells our story (or anyone's), but it lets us glimpse at the emotions of an era, the subtle ideas that a brush stroke can illuminate. There's no such thing as "just a painting". Every inch of the canvas offers insight to out history, our culture, and our own hearts. And I want to know as much about it as possible.

Now don't think that this means my life path is mapped out. I have no idea what I want to do with my life - I just know what it is that I want to know.

New York State of Mind

2006-03-05T11:10:00.000-05:00

I don't really have an explanation for my blogging habits. It's not like I only post when something important happens. And there is no great reason for the lapses between posts - I simply don't do it for a few weeks. I don't think it's a reflection of me, my life...or anything really. There is life, and then there is the way in which we choose to retell it.

I've been homesick on so many levels recently. I've been homesick for Laverock, for my bed and my couch, for my pets, for my parents, for a fully stocked fridge and my own space. I've been longing for Jon, for some arms to hold me tightly, for someone to kiss, someone to laugh with about nothing, to fall in love with everyday. I've been yearning for Diest, for antiquity and tradition, for romantic ideals and ignored reality, for cobblestones and brick, for a world that's always changing but never changes. I miss comfort, I miss security, I miss confidence and serenity. I miss knowing anything for sure. I miss being a child, when being naive was cute and having hope wasn't foolish. In this city, where no one will ever know your name if you aren't careful (or if you're lucky), it's hard to feel most of the things I know how to feel. Safe. Comfortable. Strong. Quiet. Not alone. And yet it is the easiest thing in the world to be scared, lonely, weak. I wrote a poem in one of my first weeks here about the New York state of mind, and I feel that this is as good a time as any to publish it.

We are so rarely alive
That life
In the breath of the leaves as they
await their departure
In the pulse of the birdsong
naive yet sorrowful
Disturbs
This disruption of a hollow existence
Of our carefully crafted shelters -
faces and masks are interchangeable -
Forces interaction
Forces sunlight
through the steel blinds that we
never
again
planned to open.

GoodSearch

2006-02-15T15:40:00.000-05:00

Hi,

I'm now using GoodSearch.com to search the Internet. Every time I do, money goes to my favorite charity or school. I hope you'll give it a try and support the cause that you care most about.

The site is powered by Yahoo!, so you'll get the same quality search results that you're used to. What's unique is that they have developed a way to direct money to your charity or school with every click.

The more people who use this site, the more money will go to those in need. So please spread the word to your friends and family.

So this is the generic "Tell a friend" message. But for serious, use it. And mark Awbury Arboretum as your charity - this place is a gorgeous natural resource that is truly the epitome of having potential. I see great things happening with this place (not to mention the fact that there's an amazing woman in the role of Land Manager who is already making huge progress).
Don't believe me that it's worth a tiny change in your web search habits? Check it out: http://www.awbury.org/

Happy Valentine's Day!

2006-02-14T09:46:00.000-05:00

I'd just like to wish you, the readers of my blog, and I suppose my blog itself, a very happy Valentine's Day.
It's my first Valentine's Day with a sweetheart since I was 12. And I find myself surprisingly sad that I can't spend it with him. I mean, it's just a day, right? And we're romantic all the time, so it's not like I'm missing out on my one chance for romance. It's just that today, the world falls into two categories: in love and bitter. There really isn't a middle ground. And I fall into the first category. And everyone else in my category is spending time with the one they love today. For just one day, society deems it acceptable to be openly in love, to kiss in the street, to be silly in love. And I guess I wish I could be a part of it. But at the end of the day, it's just Tuesday. And I know I'm in love, and I'm loved back. And I guess that's all that really matters.

To Jon.

2006-02-06T11:14:00.000-05:00

I spent a weekend at home with friends, family, and pets. I also spent a weekend with Jon, and it was one of the best yet.
To Jon:
Thank you for being my rock, for sticking by me through everything. For holding me when I'm crying, even though I probably just did something to upset you. For loving me so completely - more than I ever expected I would be loved. For taking me for ice cream. For telling me I'm beautiful, even when I don't believe you. For your undying patience with me and my mood swings. For being more than I could have dreamed up, and everything I did. I love you.

2006-01-30T15:17:00.000-05:00

I don't really have anything to post about. I've been wicked sick for the past few days. If I'm not throwing up, I feel like I'm about to. My head hurts. I have a fever. I'm just completely wiped out. It sucks.
But I'm going home this weekend. So that's some good incentive to get out of bed.

What's in a week ...?

2006-01-22T18:20:00.000-05:00

So it's been a week since I've been back. It feels like it's been a lifetime. As I sit here with my feast of stoned wheat thins and vitamin water (yeah, dinner of champions), I find that a lot has happened in these handful of days that make up a week.

I started classes, and they seem to be generally the same old same old. I guess that's what happens with core curriculum. Thank God I have a friend in my History of the Universe lecture - one of us can sleep while the other takes notes. More art history and philosophy. More drawn out writing exercises. Though, I really shouldn't use that tone for the art history and philosophy - that's the stuff that keeps me interested.

I reintroduced myself to New York City. And it's still an incredible place, and I still feel tiny and insignificant yet more alive than ever whenever I walk down one of these dirty sidewalks. And I still love you best, Philly.

I played with my friends, from Beach Night to Beer Pong to fried chicken to naps and Christian billboards. I tell you, folks, friends are what keep us going.

Well, I have about a gazillion pages of reading to do. Ok, it's more like 150. But still. Family Guy is on tonight, so I have to get to it.

Hoo-ha shots

2006-01-16T14:26:00.000-05:00

Now, I know I haven't updated in about a month. But I had that whole finals thing. And then I was on break. But now I'm back in the Big Apple, and life is going back to normal. Well, as normal as my life can get.
It was a great break, and it was really nice to be with everyone again for a little bit.
Here are some hoo-ha shots. (Wish you were there, Ellie.)

Cough

2005-12-05T12:14:00.000-05:00

Cough, cough.
That's the sound I've been making since Saturday night. It's no fun.
It was a great weekend though. 58, ice-skating (and falling down), Chipotle, snuggling, the Clefs show, ice cream with my favorite guys. Good times.

It's almost the end of the semester. Crazy! Where does the time go? The first month here seemed like an eternity, but since I settled in, it's flown.

Cough, cough.
Ok, back to bed.

Sweet Kisses

2005-11-30T12:12:00.000-05:00

A year ago on Friday, I got into NYU. I also had gone home sick from school. I fell asleep on the couch in the basement, face down on my calculus textbook. I woke up to my mom shaking me, saying,"Heather, wake up! Jon's here!" See, right now that seems like a pretty normal statement. But a year ago, it was a huge thrill. We'd been on one date (Donato's before rehearsal), and I was a giggly mess over him. He came down with three roses and we made it official. I couldn't stop smiling. Our first kiss was the sweetest kiss of my life. A few days later, I got scared (as usual). So I ran - only to run right back after about a week. Another first kiss under the mistletoe. More sweet kisses that eventually became mono. I don't remember much from that mono time, but I do remember waking up to Jon stroking my hair or holding my hand. I don't know what went wrong. I didn't know how to cope with open, true feelings. I was scared. And I lost him. It took me very little time to realize what a fool I was, but unfortunately I was too late. Seeing him with someone else made me ill. I wanted him back, but I knew I had to wait my turn, if I ever got another. And I did. I knew I was in love with him when he fell asleep on my couch watching Bull Durham. Our third first kiss...I swear there were fireworks. After that, it all fell into place. We both knew it was right. I spent a wonderful summer in his arms, and we've survived the distance these past few months. And now, we've made it to a year. Me. A year. Who would have guessed we'd see this day.
Jon, this has been a crazy year. You came into my life so unexpectedly, at a time when I had all but given up on the idea of a nice guy. You taught me how to trust. You've made me happier than I can ever tell you. I love you so much. I wish I could tell the world what you mean to me, but a blog post will have to do. I am so lucky to have you in my life. Thank you for taking a chance on me. Here's to many more anniversaries.
"And you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew that you meant it."

Puddies

2005-11-28T18:43:00.000-05:00

After entirely too much delay, here are the quotes from the hoo-ha after Cabaret. Enjoy, my dears.

On Power Rangers:
Steve: Amy Jo is hot. (Yes, that's Amy Jo Johnson of the Power Rangers.)

"The battle scenes would always be first the little puddy, then the rekindled would come. 'Oh shit, the puddies are here.'” (??)

"This is not Power Rangers, I can’t operate here."

Joseph: And he played his flute for Zoron.
Steve: NO – it’s Zor – DON.
Till: Zor-Dorks! What are you talking about?!

On Friendly Relations:
Heather: “Hi, Ellie”
Ellie: “Hi, Heather”
Jon: “Hi, Coaster”
Hannah: “Hi, Timer”

Gabe: So, Wyn, you live like three blocks from me. So why don’t you walk?

Hannah: Here are the teams: Team awesome and Team Not Quite as Awesome as Team Awesome.

On Belly Buttons:
Lina: Mine’s just the never-ending hole of doom.

And now for something completely different:
Lina: I feel like making a little cabin for my head…

Teddy: The world is your kindlery.

Lina in reference to Hannah: Puppy in the uterus.

Till: She has gotten so good at it that all she has to do is look at the starburst and it unwraps itself.

Some Good Advice:
Wyn: Alcohol is bad when mixed with cops.

Friends Forever

WOW

2005-11-18T19:11:00.000-05:00

AAAAAAAAAHHHH!
OK, so I know it's been forever and a day since I posted. And I really am sorry.
So there were many requests for an update on the Hoo-Ha that was Cabaret weekend. As it's been almost two weeks, I don't have the details in my head anymore. But it was a really amazing weekend. It was sooooo good to see everyone. Those of you who performed: WOW. I was totally blown away by the talent on that stage. And general hanging out with everyone was perfect, it really was. I missed falling asleep with my friends around me. =)
So I saw Harry Potter last night. WOW. Sooooo good. Voldemort is terrifying, Daniel Radcliffe is a stud and a half, and the effects were incredible. Definately my favorite movie of the series. And spent with good company. =)
Here's a thought:
There are so many things about home that are so easily taken for granted. Like thermometers. I notice these little absences on a regular basis, and this week it was spices. You never imagine that you won't have basil or curry at youor fingertips. You never think that food could be bland without remedy. I miss spices.

Trick or Treat

2005-11-01T11:39:00.000-05:00

Halloween in the Village is awesome. It's like the crazy side that we try (and usually fail) to hide is allowed out for one night. And we embrace that opportunity.
I was a southern belle in a poofy purple dress. Rachel was an angel in lime green sneakers. Somewhere after a bottle of wine or three, we wandered the Village and joined in the madness. So much fun. Probably the best "I survived midtemrs" celebration ever. But I wish I had more candy.

I'll be home this weekend, and I can't wait. I'm so pumped for Cabaret - I'm ready to be proud of all my proteges. And it'll be nice to be home in general.

I have to do laundry.

My hair is nearly blonde again.

Big Red?

2005-10-28T19:08:00.000-04:00

So I may be a redhead.
And by "may", I mean I am.
See, I wanted to be a brunette for Halloween. And so I tried that spray stuff. But it was all black and gunky and sticky and got all over the place. And when I washed it out, it was like something out of The Ring with all the black water dripping down me. Ew. So I remembered about this temporary hair dye that comes out in 8-10 shampoos. So I wandered over to Duane Reade, but alas, they only had reddish and purpleish and blonde. I found one that was allegedly light brown - "Iced Coffee". Now, I have nearly white blonde hair. So what would be coppery brown on someone with darker hair is just coppery on me. Oh well. It still looks really cool.
Yay for dying your hair out of boredom.
Never fear, I'll be blonde again soon.

Blessed Saint Michael

2005-10-25T23:47:00.000-04:00

So, I just watched the tape of The Lark. For the first time. And all I can say is wow. I am so proud right now - proud of myself for conquering that role, proud of my fellow Players for the amazing strides they took, proud to have been a part of something so amazing. As I watched it, I was so struck by the talent on that stage. None of us were the people I know and love - we were the characters we had taken on. I loved that show, I loved being on stage with some incredible talents who were also my dear friends. Steve's voice is one of the most incredible tools I've ever come across. Tillman still terrified me, even on the bad quality DVD player on my computer. His hands were like fluid, sweeping over a scene and describing every emotion with a single motion. Joe embodied innocence and strength. Danny amazed me, and not only because he knew his lines - he was a haunted man. Hal somehow made me laugh and cry in that seemingly endless scene that I grew to love. David was my dear friend and soldier, his gruff voice will forever echo. Mike and Bob - well, damn, way to be evil (and still be the nicest guys in the world). Jon had about three lines, but did anyone notice the quality of the tone? Monty was as much a character as when he was the Hare, but channeled it into an incredibly moving portrait. And Jeff - that moment in the prison will be with me forever. And all the rest who helped illuminate that stage - thank you. You know, I still know every word. Every last one.
And I still know every last corner of that shaky old building that was my home for so long. I miss the Rec so badly, I miss everything about it. The freezing bathrooms, the smell of hoagies, the deafening fans, the phantom light flickers, the sweltering heat in the loft, the overflowing dumpster, the holes, the wood, the smell. And the people. The love. I was so afraid of leaving the Rec - I was terrified of losing it. It's clearer than ever now that I never could. It's a part of me as much as my arm or leg - I wouldn't function without it. So I'm not going to lose it, but I'm so sad to not be on that stage anymore. I still notice on Monday and Wednesday when it's 6:30, and wish I was at rehearsal. I will always love Players, though the times, they are a changin'. I will always have my mark there.
Make it sparkle.
Make it shine.
Give 'em hell.

I know I always will.

A note to my dear high schoolers

2005-10-24T23:53:00.000-04:00

So I've been trolling blogs, and something is sticking out in the ones written by my dear friends who havenot yet escaped high school. And I could post comments on all your blogs, but I figured I'd just make a general comment here. So I'm going to pretend that I'm wise and offer some soothing words. Well, kind of.
Now, see, you haven't bitten off more than you can chew. It will seem that way until Christmas, but by then you'll develop a way to make it work. Believe me, I know how it is to overachieve and have waaay too many extracurriculars and hard classes. I was kinda in the same place. But it works out, and you always end up on top. And here's the other thing about being overwhelmed - it never really stops entirely. I'm overwhelmed here at NYU, but I'm starting to get that it's a good thing. Being underwhelmed would just suck. This life thing is no fun without a challenge.
And now here's the crazy part of my advice. Enjoy it. High school probably seems like a place that is perfectly designed to stifle and suffocate. And at times it is. But realize now that you're on top of the world. Everyone knows you, knows your story, says Hi to you when they see you ... and chances are they all love you. Especially my young proteges, you really have it all. Relish in that, soak it up as long as you can. Before you know it, you'll be in a foreign place, surrounded by people who know nothing about you. Grab every spotlight and face every challenge head-on. I know you'll end up on the good side of things.
I love you all and I'm so proud of all you do. I couldn't have dreamt up anyone more wonderful, and I'm lucky to call you my friends.
So chin up. You're loved.

Fresh Air

2005-10-23T14:14:00.000-04:00

Yay for fresh air. And fall.
I escaped the madness of New York in mid-term season this weekend and visited Jon at Muhlenberg to celebrate his birthday. On Friday night we went to Dorney Park - sooooo much fun! I do love those roller coasters. And they're even better when you have someone's hand to hold. Saturday was spent in bed watching movies - it was perfect scary movie weather. I think the people at Blockbuster got tired of us, though. All in all, a wonderful weekend of much needed fresh air and cuddling.
And now I'm back to the mid-terms. Eek.

$150 cash deposit?!

2005-10-20T11:29:00.000-04:00

Isn't it weird how the best weekend ever can be followed by the worst week ever?
This week has been exhausting, drained, tiring, depressing, stressful, and generally icky. I just spent about two hours wandering the Village with my gimpy knee in search of a movie for my presentation today. To no avail. When I did in fact find it, I had to sign up for a membership to rent it, but the guy wouldn't take my Visa because it's also a debit card, and the only other alternative was $150 cash deposit. Which I don't have. So the movie is out there, but I can't get to it. Which probably makes this even more frustrating. I cannot wait for classes to be over today. I'll get on a bus, and soon I'll be in the land of grass and quiet. Maybe I wouldn't be freaking out so much if I had so grass or quiet. This noise can really get to you sometimes.
Did I mention that I'm completely sleep deprived and can barely stand without serious effort?
Yeah. It's been one of those weeks.

The Girl in the Band

2005-10-19T09:23:00.000-04:00

If I were to start a band, would you come see us play?

I hope so. Because it might just happen.

And if not, I'm making a band on my computer. I'm recording and mixing my songs. I really just have to do something about this little talent of mine, don't you think?

Sudoku

2005-10-17T12:11:00.000-04:00

This was one quite spectacular weekend.

It was parents weekend, so I had a mommy and a daddy. I had a boy, too. Jon got up here on Thursday. After surviving my first college midterm, I got to snuggle with him. That night, we had a pizza party, I smuggled my first alcohol into the dorm, and we had a seriously good time. I really love the little circle of friends I've developed here. Friday morning I watched a movie for my South Asia class, then Jon and I went up to Macy's to pick out his birthday present: a new leather jacket. We had delicious sandwiches at Au Bon Pain, and I wet off on a long babble about how much I love Thanksgiving. Then we napped. Around 8, my parents got in. We went out to dinner at this really amazing Italian place on MacDougal. Then we wandered about, ending up at a cafe til about 12:30, people watching and catching up. Then we went to bed. Then we woke up on Saturday morning and went to MoMA. Soooo cool. There was the most amazing, breathtaking, beautiful Monet. And Starry Night! And lots and lots of disturbing modern art. And a video of a guy just talking about random stuff that reminded me of something I would make. And then we had lunch at a less than average deli (though the bread was delicious). There, we found a copy of the Daily News. Intrigued by a story about a guy who got a tattoo that somehow related to death and then slit his throat when he fell through the display case in the tattoo parlor, we started to read it. Which is where Mom and I discovered Sudoku (aka Soduko, Soduku, Sambuku, Tampico). It's this crazy number crossword puzzle thing, and it's totally addictive (especially once you actually read the instructions). So, since it wasn't raining for the first time in about twelve years, we bought a book of Sudoku at a pharmacy and settled down on a rock in Central Park. Daddy took a nap. Jon tried to take a nap, but found that annoying me and Mom was a far better use of his time. After about an hour or so of Sudoku, we went back downtown to get ready for our evening in Midtown. We went up to see Fiddler on the Roof. SOOOOO GOOD. Harvey Fierstein is just incredible. And the choreography - wow. I've discovered a whole new aspect to this show that I know and love. And then, Jon got my Playbill signed by Harvey (after taking out an old woman). Then we went back to MacDougal and had some food at Figaro, but we all pretty much fell asleep in said food. So we parted. Dad, Jon, and I, all fell asleep as soon as we got to bed. Mom stayed up til three playing Sudoku. Sunday morning brunch was at an Indian restaurant (oh my god, I could seriously live on chicken tikka masala). Then we played Sudoku in Washington Square, while battling with push-pops and watching the doggies. Our final excursion was in Gristedes, where we got enough food for me to hibernate. Then we said goodbye and I came back up here to procrastinate.
Best Weekend EVER.

In other news, I seriously miss my friends who are still in high school. Come visit me, please. You all are so dear to me.

conflict...

2005-10-11T19:07:00.000-04:00

I'm so gosh darn conflicted. It's like every other day I'm set on a new career path. Now, I know, I'm only 18, I don't need to know my entire future right now. The thing is, I do know what I want to do with my life. I have two very clear desires. Unfortunately, there's really no way to combine them. I want to be on the stage. I want to be a lawyer. If any of you can figur eout how to combine these, please let me know. You'd be solving a huge dilemna for me.

Damn the Man

2005-10-09T10:22:00.000-04:00

So now I'm officially a college student because I have irregular sleep patterns. Studying til 3am, only to get up at 7 to finish. Staying up til 3am on the phone, then sleeping in til 1. I stayed up til 3 again last night, too.

Last night was awesome. We just chilled down in the lounge, watched Empire Records (I'd forgotten how much I love that movie), played pool, played video games. It was just exactly what I needed to find here. Since barhopping isn't really my thing, it was nice to find a place to hang out that was so mellow - so much like home.

I'm injured. See, the other day, it was rainy. And I was wearing rubber flip-flops, mainly because I couldn't find any other shoes. And so I was walking to Weinstein for dinner, and there was this manhole cover on 9th street. And I stepped on it. And I slipped. No, I wiped out. Completely. So there I was, doing a split in the middle of 9th street in the rain. Laughing. Unfortunately, I'm still injured and standing/stairs are seriously painful.

That's all for now, folks.

how many roads . . .

2005-10-05T13:46:00.000-04:00

For those of you who were very concerned by my declaration of an actual life path, don't worry! I'm still all over the place and searching for the right road.
For example, I was just browsing summer internship possibilities at the CIA.
See? So many options!

I wanna be a Tischie

2005-10-04T12:03:00.000-04:00

So I just posted a comment on Ellie's blog about this, so I figured I should actually mention it here. I want to move on to Tisch after my two years in GSP. I want to sing and act. I need that stage. Recently, the need to perform has just been coursing through my veins (as has the flu - yay), and I am 90% sure that this is what I'm supposed to be doing. The other 10% wants to go to law school. Hey, maybe I can do both. Isn't that what life's all about anyway? Living all 100% of your dreams, no matter how all over the place they may be.

Hello Disease

2005-09-29T13:15:00.000-04:00

So, I'm sick. And it's very very strange to be sick and not have your mommy make you soup and not have your daddy tuck you in on the couch. My first sickness of college. It's one of those fever-and-tummy illnesses (yay for puking in the bathroom of a hookah bar in alpahbet city). And it's gloomy and rainy, and I really just want to stay in my pajamas. I made myself tea and chicken noodle soup.

On the up-side, I was in Alphabet City last night. And, well, of course, I was thinking about RENT. And then, like a shining light, there it was in all its glory: the Life Cafe. It was so amazing. All of a sudden, I'm living RENT. I mean, I am at a prestigious university in very comfortable quarters. But I'm deifinately poor! And artsy. And developping a family in the city.

Vive la vie boheme!

Autumn

2005-09-27T10:07:00.000-04:00

IT'S FALL!!!!!

It's cool. The smell of dead leaves is wafting through the air. There's something distinctly crisp about the atmosphere. Everything seems a little golden. I'm wearing a sweater (in my room!).

I love fall! It's just a beautiful time. The weather is really perfect now. My mood has gotten better just because of the cool breeze coming through my window. I am a happy, happy girl.

Homecoming

2005-09-25T17:57:00.000-04:00

So I went home.

Meg told me that going home had made it easier to be here - knowing that life went on there, but our lives are here now. I though I'd have a meltdown and not be able to get on the train coming back here. But Meg was right. Life is going on in Chestnut Hill without me. Laurelei is still singing, Players is still doing shows. And I have a life here that I was glad to come back to this afternoon.

It was a great weekend though. It was oh-so nice to see everyone - teachers, "underclassmen", my friends who have scattered. It was nice to see that Germantown Avenue will never really change. It was nice to see my family and snuggle with my pets. It was nice to see my boy. It was nice to fall in love with him all over again under the stars in New Hope.

But now I'm back in the Big Apple, and I'm happy to be here. I can't wait for my next adventure.

2005-09-22T09:00:00.000-04:00

I just tore up the post-it that had transfer application deadlines on it.

It felt really good.

Pros

2005-09-21T10:32:00.000-04:00

Here's a shot at optimism.

Why I like NYU:
-My professors really are some of the smartest people in the world.
-The books I'm reading for homework don't suck.
-I can go on an expedition in search of mashed potatoes at 12:30 am. And succeed, no less. Ok, they were those potato flakes. But they were still delicious.
-My roommates are really cool.
-I have a great little nook for making phone calls with the most amazing view of a gorgeous church.
-I can go out to the park at midnight and meet up with a group of friends (well, they're becoming friends) and play guitar and sing on the edge of the fountain.

Ok, that's six pros. I will refrain from listing any cons today.

Clarification and Air Conditioning

2005-09-20T23:08:00.000-04:00

Just to clarify: The Muhlenberg squirrels could kick all of our asses combined. The one I tried to be nice to stared me down and bared his teeth. Don't question them. Be afraid.

In other news, I'm going home for Homecoming, and I can't wait. I miss Chestnut Hill SO much. (I know, I know, I can't believe I just said that either.) I can't wait to see everyone!

It's very strange to me that a Players cast list has gone up and my name isn't on it. I miss the Rec more than I can say.

We're getting "illegal" air conditioning tomorrow. It's only illegal because we're not supposed to have it. But I really don't see a valid argument against it. We're supplying it - it's like a fridge. But better. Because it won't be 85 degrees in here anymore. Sweet.

I want crazy squirrels!

2005-09-18T21:43:00.000-04:00

It's so hot.
And I'm drinking coffee.
Why?
Because I'm tired and I have a paper to write.

I went down to Muhlenberg this weekend. It was sooooo nice. It's like, well, like a college. Here, it's New York City - college is sort of an afterthought. But there was grass and a quad and a real campus. And even crazy squirrels. I want crazy squirrels!

So at this point, I've pretty much made up my mind to transfer. We'll see how the year goes, though. And I may as well make this an enjoyable year. I just wish I had made the right choice the first time around.

Sans A Cappella

2005-09-15T13:33:00.000-04:00

So I didn't get into an a cappella groups.

I don't really know what to do with myself sans a cappella. I need to sing. And the shower isn't enough of a venue for me. I just don't know what to do now. I'm gonna miss it like crazy. I need that rush that I get after a performance, that electrifying rush of pride and confidence and excitement and modesty and glory. That's what keeps me going. I need to find another outlet for it, I need to find that again.

2005-09-14T14:47:00.000-04:00

I'm sleepy.

But I'm content.

Well...am I?

I'm not exactly happy, but I'm not sad. But "content" seems to suggest that all my needs are being filled to an agreeable degree. I suppose I am content, then. Except in the sleep department.

I'm very sleepy.

And now I have to go to class.

ZZZzzzz....

Philly, yo

2005-09-13T08:53:00.000-04:00

Ok, who here thought I was going to leave Philly and never come back because I wanted to get out of there so badly?

Yeah, me too.

Turns out, I'm a Philadelphian to the core. I can't wait to go back. I love Philadelphia and I'm going to be one of those people who leaves for college but can't seem to leave for good.

Where did this come from? I don't know. Yesterday, as I wandered up and down Broadway in search of a copy of the New York Times (not an easy feat, strangely enough), it just sort of hit me: I am a Philadelphian.

And proud of it.

This revelation was solidified by the Eagles game last night (let's not talk about the outcome, ok?). I went down to watch it with Nora, and it made me more homesick than ever. I miss watching the game with all of my friends, I miss being surrounded by people wearing green on a game day. I want to be back in the midst of all that crazy Philly spirit.

It's some of the best spirit you can get.

A lack of stage

2005-09-11T15:19:00.000-04:00

I miss Chambers.

After two horrible auditions, I'm feeling like a cappella might not be a part of my life anymore. And that's no good. I miss the instant family that comes from Choir Camp. I miss singing in the hallways of Springside. I miss having people around who know I can sing, even if I get nervous during tryouts.

I miss Players.

I don't know if I'm doing theatre this term, and the lack of stage in my future makes me want to cry. I miss the smell of hoagies in the Rec. I miss knowing everyone around me, and having them know me. I miss the saftey net that Players always offered.

I want to go home.

Back to the starting line

2005-09-09T09:42:00.000-04:00

Hmmmm.

What to say...

I'm in classes. They're scary but interesting.
I'm acting like myself, I'm kind of making friends.

I'm more miserable than I've ever been.
My panic attacks, though less frequent, are more intense.
I'm starting to make a list of schools to transfer to.

I hate this.
I hate that it isn't what I dreamed it would be.
I hate that I'm not strong enough.

The First Day of School

2005-09-06T09:40:00.000-04:00

I remember when the first day of school was the biggest event of the year. Such a comination of emotions - excitement over seeing your friends and catching up on the summer, dread regarding hard teachers, bitterness that your summer was being cut short, pride over your tan/summer hookup. Well today, I also have mixxed emotions. I'm excited about my classes, I'm relieved to have a schedule again, I'm hopeful that I'll make friends and do well, and I'm terrified that if my classes aren't really amazing there will be nothing keeping me here. There was a time when on the first day of school, my mom made a big breakfast and we took pictures. Today, I'm alone in a stale dorm room, wiped out due to lack of sleep, eating stale coookies because I finished off my Nutrigrain bars and don't have anyone to go to the dining hall with, and wishing so hard that I'll wake up soon and take pictures with my parents and laugh at my mom for crying and walk into a school where everyone knows me and is happy to see me after three months apart. And I hate that I know how hopeless that wish is.

a litany

2005-09-04T13:56:00.000-04:00

What I want right now:
-friends
-the ability to make said friends: to stop being so shy and scared
-to shrink this city a bit
-food cooked by my mommy (no more pizza or ramen)
-to stick with optimism and focus on the fun stuff I've done
-this week to not have felt like 2 years
-a beverage that is free but is not water
-NO MORE PANIC ATTACKS
-motivation
-a room to myself so that I can sing
-Jon to come back
-Kirby
-air conditioning
-happy new quotes for my blog/away messages like everyone else
-a shower
-to be in an a cappella group
-to be cool again
-a nap
-hugs!

Progress: For Serious

2005-09-01T17:00:00.000-04:00

Ok, I have an improved outlook. I don't know for sure yet if this is really the right place for me, but Iam sure that I can survive well enough here. It took gorgeous weather (courtesy of Katrina - sorry everyone in Louisiana, but I really appreciate the breeze!), some inspirational theatre, and writing in Washington Square Park for me to decide that I could, in fact, be happy enough here. Maybe not truly joyful, but happy enough.

Yay optimism.

Progress...oh, wait...no

2005-09-01T11:02:00.000-04:00

I was really hoping that my next post would be an uplifting one, telling of how I overcame my fears and anxiety and how much I love it here.
Alas.
I'm still unhappy and lost. It's one of those sadnesses that won't break, the kind that sort of move in and refuse to declare a date of departure. I miss laughing, smiling, knowing somewhere in my heart that I'll be me again. I can't find anything to distract me from my thoughts long enough to make any progress. I just feel trapped. I'm so sad that I'm not happy. I wanted this so much, this school, this city, this life. But it's not what it seemed to be. I do love New York, but maybe just for weekends. It's too much to handle 24/7. I want some quiet. I want some peace. I want a distraction that won't empty my wallet or fill me with anxiety.
Fortunately, Jon is coming to visit this weekend. That will be my distraction, that will get me through until classes. I want to go home so badly, but I know I wouldn't have it in me to come back if I did. So I'm stuck here. I hate that that's how it seems to me.

Home is where the heart is?

2005-08-29T19:45:00.000-04:00

How did I get here? I thought this was exactly where I wanted to be, but now I just want to curl up in bed and wait until Thanksgiving when I can be with the people I know and love and not be terrified and overwhelmed. I've lost track of how many anxiety attacks I've had since I got here. I keep telling myself to wait it out, it's bound to get easier, everyone feels like this. But I can't stay convinced for long before I fall apart again. NYU was my dream - it is my dream, isn't it? I just miss being secure and sure of things, knowing my way around, having more than two friends in a city. But I have to say thank you to my loved ones who have dealt with me crying over the phone at all hours - I don't think I'd make it without your support and undying faith in me.

There's no place like home, there's no place like home . . .

To Do

2005-08-24T17:02:00.000-04:00

I'm importing all my music onto my computer. Just one of the many tasks on my to do list in the next few days. I just can't believe I'm going to college this weekend, it's so surreal. I can't figure out how time flew so quickly.
We had a PIT/Beast Crew reunion on Monday night. I always forget how much I love slumber parties until I'm at one - cookies and talking til three in the morning = best thing ever. Goodbyes = worst thing ever. I've already said a few goodbyes, and I'm dreading the ones I'm facing in the next few days. I just don't think I'm quite ready for this step. Moving on to college, sure. Saying goodbye, not so much. But I guess I can't have one without the other. But I know it's not goodbye, I really do. I know we'll be together again by Thanksgiving at the latest. I'm looking forward to showing off everyone who comes to visit me (by the way, my door is always open if you want to visit the Big Apple).
I'm just looking for an element of closure or resolve that I fear will never quite arrive.

Reality Check

2005-08-17T00:02:00.000-04:00

When did moving away from home and starting a life in a foreign city with strangers go from distant dream to next week's activity?
Well, I don't know how the summer disappeared, but it did. And now I'm packing up my life and preparing for goodbyes. I'm kind of in shock, but at the same time, I've never been so excited. I have a really awesome roommate (only the one seems to exist, but that's cool), I have a cool schedule, and Welcome Week promises to be amazing. So the weight of goodbyes is lifted a bit.
And I have faith that we'll still be friends. I have faith that love will conquer all. I have faith that we'll all change for the better and thus bring back more to love. I have faith that we'll survive this change, this challenge. We have too much spirit not to.

Alphabetical Order

2005-08-12T15:21:00.000-04:00

I'm home from work early today because they were out of uses for me. I was watching envelopes go through the printer and checking that they were in alphabetical order. And playing solitare. They said I could go.
So now I can get an early start on my shopping spree at Bed, Bath & Beyond. After actually having a conversation with my roommate, I now know to get a microwave. We're making progress . . .
I need to call the other two roommates, but I'm procrastinating because I have no idea what to say. "Hi, I'm your roommate, we need to decide on a shower curtain"? How do you start that conversation? And as many of you know, I'm bad on the phone to begin with...
I'm sleepy. I slept better last night since my teddy bear was there (aka Jon), but I'm still way behind on my Z's.

Home again!

2005-08-06T21:31:00.000-04:00

But now I mean home as in Philly (ok, Laverock .... let's not glorify the location), not Diest. And I have to now pack for my soon-to-be home, New York City (ah, that needs no glorification).
Diest was great, everything exactly as I left it. And I can be sure that it will be exactly the same for as long as I can go back. That's the thing about Diest: It changes, but it's always the same. And in a way, that's comforting. In another way, it has potential to get old. There were moments this trip that it was leaning towards the latter, which breaks my heart. I can't imagine a time when I couldn't return to Diest and know I was safe in that fold between ancient and modern into which it seems to have fallen.
Nevertheless, I left. A four hour delay getting off the ground and an eight hour flight void of movies (not just a bad selection, but actually non-functioning screens) and a two hour drive home from Newark, I'm back. Jetlagged, but back. I had to come back, you see, because I had a stack of mail from NYU that was about the size of Washington Square. All of a sudden, I'm actually going to college. Until about a week ago, it was an aloof thought, a possible future that I wasn't going to face for a long long time. Then I got a room. And roommates. And a handbook, a schedule, an advisor, a meal plan . . . Now I just need to go shopping. If only the list I've been going over and over in my head would magically appear on paper. Let's see:
-hairdryer
-bathrobe
-fridge/freezer/microwave
-crap. that's as far as I get every time.

Well, it's nearly four in the morning according to my body, so I'm going to go pass out on my bed. But before I go, I make a promise to any of you still reading this blog: I'm going to revive it! My thoughts will continue to spill across the webpage, my life's little intrigues will be thoughtfully documented. I promise, Operation Jelly Bean is back in working order!

Going Home

2005-07-21T23:35:00.000-04:00

I'm going home tomorrow. Well, I won't actually get there until Saturday, but I am getting on a plane headed there tomorrow. Though I have my moments of hesitation when I think of what I'll miss here, I can't deny how excited I am. I've missed it so thoroughly, so completely. I might have found a close second in New York, on my couch, at the Rec ... but nothing is quite Home the way Diest is. It's where I fit, where I'm happiest, where it seems dreams you have yet to stumble across manage to come true. I can't wait to be back in the land of cobblestones and brick, of enchanted sunsets and bewitching night skies.
And I know there are reservations in many of your minds concerning old flames that reside there. Never fear - I've moved on! No more heartbreak from glorified summer flings.

Moose

2005-07-06T13:39:00.000-04:00

No one should have to bury two pets in the course of a single month. It's really more than anyone should have to handle.
Monty's death was an unexpected tragedy, but Moose's, I suppose, was an expected end. That doesn't make it hurt any less.
Moose was the best chocolate Lab anyone could dream up. He was sweet and daring, he loved road trips and long wanderings. He especially loved the snow - he would wander around with his nose in it, making a path. Yes, he got grouchy as he lost weight and his arthritis worsened, and yes, I have a scar on my left wrist where his teeth were last spring. But somehow that all fades away when I think of him as a puppy, curled up in the birdbath.
Last night, it became glaringly apparent that it was the end of the road for Moose. His back legs had pretty much stopped working, he had sores on his mouth, and when you looked into his cataract covered eyes, you no longer saw the puppy that had never quite left him. We put him to sleep today, ending a wonderful twelve year relationship.
I suppose I've seen it coming since he stopped going upstairs, since his walks around the block exhausted him for the day ... since he lived four years longer than he should have. But it's still heartbreaking to realize I'll never hear his tapping as he walks across tile, I'll never again watch his eyebrows express everything he was feeling, I'll never again have him lick my face when I'm upset until all I can do is laugh.

thoughts...

2005-07-01T11:15:00.000-04:00

Now, I realize that I haven't updated in a few weeks. And yet, I somehow don't feel bad. I feel like I don't have anything to say, thus no need to blog. Though I suppose that isn't true. I do have a lot to say, but I've been letting it out in other forums. E-mails, songs, my journal. I've been thinking a lot, but nothing has seeemed like a topic of interest for a blog. I could talk about the trials and triumphs of my relationship, I could talk about excitement over travel and the prospect of being an adult and college, I could talk about my job, the books I'm reading, conversations and minor adventures I've had. But none of that seems to call me towards my blog. It does call me towards those other forums, though. Perhaps it's a different nature that flows through my thoughts right now, perhaps it's just the season.

I will say one thing, though.
I miss the way things were in April, before I changed, before life changed me. I miss the constant nature of daily life, gossip in the library, absolute boredom, unavoidable laughter, an unspoken bond that none of us could shake. But then things changed. Projects happened and schedules got tricky. I chose to go with the easier option of company, to become nearly exclusive in my company rather than make the effort to coordinate otherwise. And for that, I'm sorry. I realized halfway through that this was the case, but it seemed that things would clear up once summer started and schedules got more regular. But I forgot to take into account that everyone would scatter as soon as graduation was over. Camp, trips, jobs ... the things I thought would serve as a regulator have become the thing keeping me from getting back to the way we were. It is my not so silent fear that we've already scattered, the way I knew we would in the fall. We've already said good-bye to two friends as they set off for training. Some will be gone all summer, others for a week or two - but will there ever again be a moment when we return to that reassuring constant lifestyle of April? I fear the answer is "No". I wasn't prepared to close that chapter of life until the end of August, and it's a rude awakening to find myself unprepared when it ends.

Graduation

2005-06-14T13:09:00.000-04:00

Holy shit.
I'm graduating from high school tomorrow. All my boys are doing just that in four hours.
How did we get here? Weren't we just scared freshmen, testing the waters, trying to find a niche? How did we get to be the ones walking down the aisle to receive diplomas?
I just can't quite wrap my mind around the idea of actually graduating. For so long, I've been dying to get out - out of the forty minute blocks, out of the libary, out of the monotony, out of the barriers of Chestnut Hill and all its expectations. Dying to get to New York and start to live. But now that the moment is actually here, it's bittersweet (isn't everything?). I'm excited to be on my way to the next chapter of my life, but I'm heartbroken to say goodbye to so many things here. Goodbye to my underclassmen, to my teachers, to the library nook, to the palm tree, to those moments that have been defining me all along without my knowing. I guess we never know how much something has changed us until it's over and we can take a astep back and observe ourselves more objectively. Springside has taught me confidence, strength, independence, as well as a lot of stuff about history, math, science (ok, not really that), french, latin, english, music, dance, theatre. I have been irreversably changed by so many people in this tiny community, and I'm forever grateful for everything I've learned. So I'll shed some tears as I walk away tomorrow, but I'll know that I can face the things to come because of this place.

Rest In Peace

2005-06-07T11:39:00.000-04:00

On Sunday, the most wonderful cat you'll ever meet died. My cat Monty was deranged and amazing. He had twenty-eight toes. He was addicted to catnip. He was near-sighted. He attacked his dry kibble before eating it. His purr could be heard a mile away. He was huge and cuddly and made every sad moment happy just by coming up and nuzzling against you. When we got him, he was scraggly and scared - he spent the first twenty four hours here behind a radiator meowing. He never got quite normal, but he was loving and gentle (even when he was bitng your face at three am). He's really the first pet I've lost. I didn't really have much of a relationship with my hampster, and the two cats I've had who have died were old and sick and we put them to sleep. This wasn't Monty's time. He had so many more years of purring left for him. Everything seems a little bit more empty with him gone.

A passionate man, and so sincere . . .

2005-05-23T14:06:00.000-04:00

Ok, so two passions of mine that have for whatever reason been hiding out recently have come back to life in the past few days.
I went to the Electric Factory on Friday to see Rachael Yamagata (well, it was a Ryan Adams show, but I was there for the opening act). She's just amazing, truly truly breathtaking music. Her songwriting abilities are incredible, and seeing the passion with which she can deliver them live was so awesome. And for the first time in a long time, I wanted to write a song. I haven't written a song in ages, but seeing her up there, I was like, "Yeah, I should be doing that." We waited around by the Merchandise table to meet her, and I'm so glad I did. She's just as cool in person as her songs make her seem. I told her that she'd inspired me to start writing again. Her response: "That's awesome. Do it. Fucking do it!" And the note on my CD from her: "Always be in love." That's good songwriting advice. So I started a new song, and I am pretty into it. It's so nice to have that part of me brought back to life.
Passion number two: NEW YORK, NEW YORK. I hadn't been thinking about next year that much, but all of a sudden I've gotten a huge surge of excitement. College is going to be amazing, but New York is going to be even more amazing. I can't wait to be a part of that action, a part of the force that is NYC.

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

2005-05-19T21:06:00.000-04:00

Well she sneaks around the world from Kiev to Carolina,
She's a sticky-fingered filcher from Berlin down to Belize,
She'll take you for a ride on a slow boat to China,
Tell me where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

Steal their Seoul in South Korea, make Antarctica cry Uncle,
From the Red Sea to Greenland they'll be singing the blues,
Well they never Arkansas her steal the Mekong from the jungle,
Tell me where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

She go from Nashville to Norway, Bonaire to Zimbabwe,
Chicago to Czechoslovakia and back!

Well she'll ransack Pakistan and run a scam in Scandinavia,
Then she'll stick 'em up Down Under and go pick-pocket Perth,
She put the Miss in misdemeanor when she stole the beans from Lima,
Tell me where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?
Oh tell me where in the world is... Oh tell me where can she be?

Ooh, Botswana to Thailand, Milan via Amsterdam,
Mali to Bali, Ohio, Oahu...!

Well she glides around the globe and she'll flimflam every nation,
She's a double-dealing diva with a taste for thievery,
Her itinerary's loaded up with moving violations,
Tell me where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

So I'm not quite an international intrigue, but I got a call today telling me that I had fallen off the face off the planet. Turns out, I've disappeard. Where have I been? Well, I've been working a lot at the project. I love it sooo much, I'm learning a lot and making friends and I don't ever want it to end. Development is really quite nifty - so many facets. Where else have I been? Well, I can't deny that I've been with my boy quite a bit. I think I might be addicted to him. Oh well. Ummm.... I don't know. I was at Temple Ambler today watching my mom graduate, then at the Palace of Asia with some super yummy chicken tikka masala. I'm in my pajamas now. It's so strange. In a matter of weeks, life has become a totally different experience. There's a new schedule to follow. 9-5. No homework, so every night is a chance to play. I see the same people everyday, but I hardly see anyone I used to see everyday. And yet, in spite of the massive shift in my daily routine, I don't find myself missing the 8-3 days, the lines and rules, D-forms and dresscode, constantly trying to make the grade. This is new and exciting and stress-free. I mean, there's the stress of events and deadlines, but it's new and interesting, so it doesn't feel like pressure. I've really fallen into this new pace, and I have to say I like it. I don't feel like there's been a huge shift in my lifestyle. It's like this is how it's supposed to be.

P. S. - Bet the Carmen Sandiego song is stuck in your head now. Haha.

Lucky

2005-05-07T18:09:00.000-04:00

So I've been meaning to post a major tribute to Players, but the more I think about it, the more I realize how little I have left to say. Players has been my true love for four years (my longest relationship ever), and I'm heartbroken to have to move on. But I know now that it's never really over, we never really leave. So I'll sum it up with what I wrote on the door of the screw cabinet (fitting that I finished there . . .):

Heather Pringle '05 President
Working - Babe Secoli
Peter Pan - Mermaid
Patience - Love-sick Maiden
The Lady Cries Murder - Set, Make-up
The Laramie Project - Romaine Patterson, Set
Museum - Stage Manager, Elizabeth Sorrow, Zoe, Set
Alice in Wonderland - White Rabbit, Set
The Lark - Joan, Set
MIS, MIS, GEH. This will always be the place I see when I close my eyes - my home.

Thank you for all the memories, laughter, tears. I am so lucky to have been a part of this.

In other news . . .
I'm in love. I never thought I'd be here, but I am. And I'm deleriously happy. Everything just fits, for once things make sense, and I don't need to analyze. I just know. It's amazing. I'm so glad I finally learned to let my guard down, to let him in. It's not perfect, nothing is - and yet there's nothing I would change. =)

My senior project is awesome - I instantly felt at home when I got there, the people are so wonderful. And even though I lost feeling in my face on Thursday from being outside in the wicked cold, it's still awesome.

So basically, I'm a happy girl. Yay!

Pseudo Ode

2005-04-30T16:37:00.000-04:00

Ok, so this isn't my ode to Players yet. But I just have to say that the past two nights have been amazing. I am so lucky to be a part of this, to be able to work with so many talented people. I'm heartbroken (but excited) as I face my final curtain - it's been one hell of a ride. On Thursday, vR told us to think back to our first show, our first opening night. I can still remember the size of the knot in my stomach as I made my way on stage - I was a tiny little freshman, allegedly able to sing her solo, with new choreography (about thirty minutes new) in my head. I was terrified. And just about as excited I'd ever been.
So as I face that final curtain in a few hours, I remember that girl, so full of curiosity and awe. I'm glad to know she's still in there somewhere.
So let's make it sparkle, make it shine, and give 'em hell. One last time.

Calculus Limericks

2005-04-28T00:54:00.000-04:00

This is what happens when you're given the assignment of being creative with a year's worth of calculus and you mix in sleep deprivation:

There once was a girl from Philly
Who found calculus to be quite silly
She stared at her binder
Hoping for something kinder
Then decided to move to Chile!

****

There once was a girl named Jane
Who struggled a lot with domain
She confused it with range
Which she also found strange
And eventually she went insane!

****

There once was a lonely limit
Who wanted a life with more in it
He approached infinity
And felt some affinity
For the fact that he really existed!

****

There once was a graph named Livadiv
Who wanted to find his derivative
He checked his slope
For he was no dope
And determined where he’d be negative!

****

There once was a function named Raoul
Who teamed up with his sister Jewel
To find their derivative
We need to fight back with
Our good friend the power rule!

****

There once was a boy named Fred
Who had many numbers in his head
He tried to add them up
But found it too tough
So he used a big Sigma instead!

****

There once was a girl named Lauren
Who thought that word problems were boring
“They sure would be great
If we used related rates!”
And thus was the end of her yawning.

****

There once was an indefinite integral
Who wanted the answers to all
“I know what to do!
Just throw in a U!
And now you’re ready to play ball!”

****

There once was a girl named Abby
Who confused continuity and concavity
One dealt with strips
The other with dips
But they both begin with a C.

****

There once was a logarithm named Bob
Who wanted to connect with the frogs
He changed his base to e
Ln(x) now was he
Ta-da! A natural log!

****

nine reasons to cry

2005-04-24T20:10:00.000-04:00

so i'm sitting here. staring blankly at my half-written race and gender research paper. and there are tears in my eyes. and i really couldn't tell you why. well, not specifically. but i could probably list the things factoring into these tears.
1) i have four days of high school left.
2) i'm exhausted (someone was snoring all night)
3) i'm listening to wicked. that means reflection on friendship and excitement/fear regarding the future.
4) this paper represents the shitload of work that has to be done before friday and my overwhelmedness in that area.
5) i was looking at prom pictures earlier - i have the most beautiful, amazing, talented, smart, funny, flat out incredible friends in the world.
6) there were old pictures in the iphoto library from cabaret. laurelei's first major performance this year. as i face the potential of only one more performance with these amazingly talented ladies, i can't ignore the feeling of heartbreak that's been creeping up around me recently. laurelei - you inspire me everyday, you make me laugh, you make me scream, but most of all, you make me proud.
7) there were also dance ensemble pictures. and anyone who saw me at the end of the show on wednesday knows how much it broke my heart to walk off that stage. that group has always been a mixed up sorority of amazing girls (and one amazing woman) who have listened to every last issue i've had since sophmore year. they loved me even though i can't dance. =)
8) i don't think i'm in love with that first love anymore.
9) it's hell week. my favorite time of a semester. i've had seven - i have seven million memories from those weeks alone. and that's just hell weeks. it would be an impossible undertaking to try to count every memory i have from my four years at the rec. i have two more rehearsals for players. i have three more curtains. i have one cast party. i have thousands of tears left, though. i'll be writing a much more in depth ode to players, but for now suffice to say that nothing has ever meant so much to me and i'm terrified of a life without it. but i've been told i'll never be without it, and i'm hopeful that i'll still see green walls and dust when i close my eyes twenty years from now. but enough tears for now. it's time to give 'em hell.

i know i talk about how much i hate it here, how i'm dying to get out. well, yes, i am dying for the next chapter. but i'm dying just as much to keep this page open just a little longer. i have a lot to love here. so if i forget to tell any of you in the next few days: i love you all, for better, for worse. for always.

I'm Ron Burgundy?

2005-04-24T12:28:00.000-04:00

yesterday it rained. not cold icky rain that i so dread in january. no. it was a warm downpour, the kind that promises a rainbow. i love to just dance around in the rain when it's like that. it's refreshing, revitalizing. i feel alive, i feel happy. the smell of the pavement and dirt, the sound of the raindrops on the roof - there's just nothing like it.

last night, i was laughed at because my date night consisted of pajamas, chinese take-out, ice cream, and an early bedtime. i see nothing wrong with that. =) pajama parties are really just the way to go. and now i've finally seen anchorman, so i wn't feel so out of the loop when people say "I'm Ron Burgundy?" ... so yay for being in the loop.

first dress rehearsal in about half an hour. i'm excited and heartbroken. a lot of lasts going on nowadays.

Too Much

2005-04-20T05:50:00.000-04:00

No, it isn't even 6am yet. Yes, I'm awake. No, I'm not happy about that.
These last two weeks of school are taking so much out of me. I have a gazillion projects to do, on top of regular assignments, on top of spring concerts, on top of rehearsals, on top of performances, on top of sleep deprivation and emotional train wrecks. It's seeming to be more than I can handle. Things are good (well, almost), but there are just too many of them going on at once. I feel like I can't be fully there for anything because I have so much else going on in my head.
Well, maybe that's not entirely true. I was totally there last night for the last choral concert. I was completely in the zone for my solo. It's such an amazing thing to start a song without nerves and be shaking by the end.
And I'm all in with Players, too. Though I guess that isn't exactly a new thing. I'm savoring every moment.
It's all very exhausting. I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open as I crank out a short story. I need a day off. But I don't think I'll be getting one any time soon ...

My Senior Prom

2005-04-17T21:20:00.000-04:00

oh, prom.
i survived. somehow.
i'm still not really sure that i went. june is going to appear and i'll be wondering why i missed my senior prom.
i mean, i got groomed - nails, hair. that was cool.
and there was dancing. that was pretty neat.
the food was kinda weird.
there were shirley temples. sweet.
everyone was all pretty and stuff.
they played styx.
and the who.
i did cotton eye joe in my three inch heels. i was proud.
a ghost tried to kill us in the girls' bathroom by shattering glass. that was creepy.
people hooked up. people fought. people laughed, people cried. people missed out on sleep.
we got clocks.
. . .
yeah.

so now that that's over with, time to resume reality. i move that we nix the damage control portion of proma - monday morning is hard enough without the added headache of jealousy and bitterness over one night that in the long run will do little to define us. i miss reality! please help me to rediscover it with the least amount of irreparable damage.

amazing mode

2005-04-13T23:05:00.000-04:00

just when i thought things were on a downslide, they started to look up. no, not just look up - my life seems to have suddenly shifted into amazing mode. i was in new york today with the senior girls, and i realized how lucky i am. i have amazing friends who will always be there for me, and i have an incredible future ahead of me, full of momentary and epic adventures. and somehow, i'm just as thrilled about the present as the future. turns out not every finished book needs to stay shut forever - and the story seems even better the second time around.

now we just need to survive the prom . . .

For Good

2005-04-09T12:26:00.000-04:00

So I was given a lead on a song for Laurelei to sing at graduation, "For Good" from Wicked. It's a beautiful song, and here I go again getting sentimental. It's been a week of reflection on those who have really changed me, from an ex-boyfriend who showed me that I could be happy with more than just me to care about, to my first love who taught me how to live with passion and how to go weak in the knees, from the girl who will always listen to me when I'm being ridiculous and somehow manage to bring me back to reality and sympathize at the same time, to the school that taught me how to be strong and independent. We are always shaped by the people we come into contact with, from the everlasting imprint of a first love to the subtle impression of a single act of kindness. I guess all my theories of living in a cave and avoiding human contact to hide from pain wouldn't pan out too well after all. As I face three more weeks of high school, I can't imagine where I would be without a single person who has crossed my path over the past four years, the past eight ... the past seventeen. I am who I am today because of you all, and I'm so grateful for every alteration. I'm ready to face "the real world" because of the foundation I have here, and I'm ready to cross paths with everyone in New York - I'm ready for that next step of self realization.

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you.

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend.

Because I knew you
I have been changed for good.

hands down

2005-04-05T18:06:00.000-04:00

so i was a badass yesterday and left school for a "doctor's appointment". turns out my doctor is down at citizens bank park. i'd never been to a home opener, and boy did i luck out with my first time. row 13 behind home plate, hot dogs, crabfries, sunshine, and the phillies won (i guess i was a good luck charm)! i tend to forget how much i love baseball until i'm there, i can smell it, i can hear it, i can feel it. baseball really becomes a part of your soul, something you can't ignore, something you'll always feel and love. yeah, baseball.
"Hands down, this is the best day I can ever remember. I'll always remember."

it was 65 degrees and sunny today. my mood is very much dependent upon the weather, so clearly, i'm quite cheerful. i just feel the sun through and through, it warms me and melts any knots of frustration. i drove home with the windows down. it's time for skirts and my spring mix of music. it's time to live again. i've felt more alive in the past 48hours than i have in the past few months. i'm aware, i'm in tune. i'm alive. tired from day light savings, but alive.

ah. so this is how it feels . . .

2005-04-03T11:55:00.000-04:00

oh, right, there's the sentimentality . . .
for the past few months, i've been oh-so ready to get out, to graduate, to get to new york and start fresh. that longing for senior year to go on forever never really showed up. well, it hasn't appeared quite so strongly, but i do finally feel that pang of loving things around here and wishing i didn't have to say goodbye to them just yet. last night at the off the beat show, they had a tribute to their seniors, and i suddenly felt that moment of "oh my god, this is the last time i'll be doing this". i'm suddenly aware of the fact that i only have a month left of classes, one month of definite time with the people i spend almost all of my time with. only three more performances with laurelei (though there are still plenty of rehearsals left . . .). only a handful of dance rehearsals. and, most painful to accept, only one more month of players. one more hell week. three more curtains. one last cry. (well, there will be a lot of cries, but only one more of that huge final cry at strike.)
i've been comforting all those around me who were not quite so ready to break free by saying how much time we still had. "we still have eight months!" turns out we only have five til we're gone, and only about two til we could potentially never see each other again.
so there you go. i finally get it. i'm finally hesitant about turning the page and starting the new chapter of life.

peeps

2005-03-26T12:28:00.000-05:00

rant number one:
i've been trying repeatedly to set up my e-mail account for nyu, and failing miserably. i keep getting errors and such. it's like they're waving college in front of my nose but won't let me quite grab it. kinda like life in general right now . . .

rant number two:
wtf is going on with philly radio stations?? let's see if i can get this straight: mix95.7 is now ben 95.7 (and kinda sucky), y100 is no more and is now 103.9 ... and that's now gospel? 97.5 pst is now at 94.5, and the hawk which was 94.5 is now at 97.5 ... i bet i'm forgetting some and i got some wrong ... point being, they (they being the powers that be) have entirely fucked up the radio system in the area. and all in about a month. is it some sort of cosmic lining up of the planets sort of thing that is forcing these stations to go crazy? i personally am pleading for a return to the way things were . . . my sense of balance is way off.

rant number three:
it's spring break, and i'm here. not in miami like last year ... not in orlando like i was a few weeks ago. no. i'm here in pseudo icky philly. bleh.

ok, that's it for the rants.

on a lighter note:
i died easter eggs last night and ate peeps and watched the american president. pretty colors + pure sugar + great movie = yay.

feeling strangely fine

2005-03-20T19:46:00.000-05:00

so i seem to be doing fine at the moment, which shouldn't be so surprising.
it was great weekend - i got to see the people i care about but, for whatever reason, miss out on a lot. i'd forgotten what it's like to spend an entire day with someone and not get tired of them - if anything, i didn't want the day to end. it was nice to know that not everyhing has to remain a memory.
the prom fiasco has now been melted down the issue of the outfit.
the play is amazing - off book today, and it's coming to life.
spring break starts on wednesday, and when we get back, we'll have a month of school left. and then comes life.

click

2005-03-14T21:37:00.000-05:00

well, the emotional trauma is still alive and well, but there is more to focus on now.
tonight, i clicked. it's my favorite moment of any show i do, that moment when you finally understand what it is your character is saying. suddenly, something is in place, not something that was out of place, but you're just more completely, more entirely the character. it offers me new fuel. now that i get it, i can really work on making it apparent to my audience that i get it. make them get it. it's these moments that explain why i live for the rec. these, as well as the ones during set crew when we find the whip in the loft.

dying to live

2005-03-13T12:29:00.000-05:00

what an end to an awful week.
after seven days of painful walks down memory lane, the stress accumulated in an anxiety attack. i hate these attacks so much. i only started having them in the last few years, and they are so horrible. i never see them coming, and suddenly the world is closing in on me, there isn't enough air, my mind is moving so fast. i hate losing control in any circumstance, but this is the worst.
seven days of painful nostalgia. memories of what could have been, what should have been. unavoidable desires to take back actions, to change the course of my life. hating circumstance, hating timing. dying for one more chance, one more moment, one more touch. longing for an opportunity that will probably never arrive. lacking the ability to cry over any of it. dying to live.

"I dry the tears I've never shown
Out here on my own."

miracle of miracles . . .

2005-03-09T16:41:00.000-05:00

nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
yes, folks, it seems to have arrived. it's prom season. i personally wish this season would disappear - an entire month of primping and giggling and trying to prove that you're worthy of a date. oh, and finding the means to fund it all. now, it is true that i believe in the miracle of prom. last year, my hand was seriously wounded by a dog bite, but miraculously, my fresh manicure stayed perfect and the wound was on the corsage wrist, so it could be covered up. this year, a friend is getting here braces off the day before prom. so yes, i do believe. however, my own situation has left me a bit cold towards this evening and its preparation. i'm not only dateless, i'm potential dateless. i don't even have a prospect yet. granted, last year at this time, i hadn't a clue of who i'd be going with, and when he did show up he was amazing. so maybe there's hope. well, at least i have a dress. damn prom.

on another note, nostalgia has made me homesick for the guy i trusted with those three little words (and who has in turn terrified me of them).

it's a pangea, if you will . . .

2005-03-07T16:35:00.000-05:00

what a trip . . .
our trip to orlando was more than i ever had anticipated. not only did we win five trophies for the competition, but the fun and bonding were beyond anything i was expecting. from airports to universal studios to wet n wild to the hotel to empty malls, we had an amazing time, making new friends right and left.
rather than detail the trip, a few highlights and memories:
-"so there were these two muffins . . ."
-spiderman slippers
-meal tickets?
-"oy with the poodles already!"
-ogre vision
-the hat shop
-jody
-the "dance party"
-singing in an unfinished mall
-the hulk
-bugs!
-"do you mind making your own fajitas?" ... "you mean like in the oven?"
-dee see
-gator bites
-one fish, two fish . . .
-tanning
-under three hours of actual singing
-hannah's inability to finish dressing (or open animal crackers)
-milanos of friendship
-cheeseburgers
-slash fun
-refusal to turn the lights on before absolutely necessary
-bonding in the hallways
-"yeah" (gabey p's rendition)
-"it's a pangea, if you will"
-lean on me

wait, how many trophies did we get? right. FIVE.
thanks for the memories. let's keep this friendship thing going.

the PG rated miami

2005-03-02T20:44:00.000-05:00

baby, why don't we go down to kokomo . . .

ok, so we're going to orlando, but close enough. the PG rated miami, as we've come to call it. we're going to go sing on the sidewalks. really, what could be better than going to florida with some of my closest friends to sing? i can't think of a thing. it's going to be a blast. the one downside is that i'll be gettin up around 3am so as to make it to school by 4am so that we can make the flight. goody.
so worth it. =)
i need a vacation from this place and everything it forces me to think about.

emotional siberia

2005-02-28T19:27:00.000-05:00

another day of snow. as i sat on the couch today, watching episode after episode of sex and the city, i watched the world outisde getting more and more white. i was glad to be under my blanket, but i couldn't shake the feeling of isolation. there was just an inescapable sense of being deserted in some sort of frozen wasteland. alone and cold.
maybe all this couch time is giving me too much time to think. i need a new train of thought - these ideas aren't productive, they can't become actions, so why waste the time and energy to even think about them? because i can't escape them, despite my logical side's protests. well, i guess i'll just have to upgrade that half of myself to a more powerful fighting strategy.

"I know the truth and it haunts me, I learned it a little too late."

expectations

2005-02-27T11:37:00.000-05:00

hmmm ... winter ball ...
maybe i was expecting a repeat of homecoming, maybe i was just tired. whatever the reason, winter ball was less than exciting ... really, less than fun. nothing good happened, and enough bad things happened to throw the balance off from "average" to "bad". i'm sure raised expectations are mostly to blame: expectations about where i am, physically, emotionally, expecting to be further along in some areas than i really am. so the evening ended with a late night chinese food run and a very sore body and a generally icky cloud hanging over my head.
while some of last night's realizations are plaguing me this morning, i'm trying to focus my energies elsewhere. like on florida. sooo close. warmth. sunshine. color. music.
i think i can, i think i can . . .

big comfy couch

2005-02-24T14:07:00.000-05:00

see, normally, the couch is surrounded by happy conotations - naps, movies, snuggling, etc. not for me. the couch is now an evil creature, drawing me into its dark corners and making me feel like ick. yes, i've rejoined my couch in the bond of illness. but i don't feel as bad about it this time because apparently about 80% of my school is also infected, so it;s not llike i'm the sole invalid. either way though, i'm ready for spring and health and movement. life as a sick person emphasizes the stagnent nature of life around here.

damn you, winter

2005-02-21T19:21:00.000-05:00

another failed attempt at rehearsal . . .
this is the second day in a row that i've left the rec much earlier than anticipated due to a lack of actors. everyone is either away or dying of the plague (aka the flu). laurelei rehearsal was also quite empty. i want winter to end so that we can get back on track with our lives. everything seems scattered when the temperature drops, we're not as focused, as able to simply go about life. we need a little energy boost from the sun. thank god i get one in two weeks ... florida, here i come!

double a to the r to the o to the n

2005-02-19T17:47:00.000-05:00

yup. i'm nearly 18 and i spent my friday night at an aaron carter concert. well, aaron carter and jordan knight.
it was around 5 yesterday, i was in my pajamas, on the couch, and hunkering down for my third episode of gilmore girls season 2. the phone rings. it's kelsey. here's a breif recap of the conversation:
"do you want to party tonight?"
"umm... where?"
"um, my mom got aaron carter tickets."
"um, i'm in my pajamas already."
"yea, me too."
"um . .. what the hell? why not?"
"cool, i'll see you around 7."
so there i was, skipping out on my couch to hang out with 12 year olds. i had no idea what i was getting myself into - i knew maybe one aaron carter song, and frankly, thought he was talentless. jordan knight ... he was on the surreal life, right? umm ... ok?
we got there and found ourselves face to face with lots of children dancing by the radio disney stand. ok, so we joined in for the chacha slide ... and there were cute guys in burberry ties at the concession stand (yes that does make the glow necklace worth $2).
the opening act - wil heuser - was absolutely awful! he couldn't really sing ... he really couldn't dance ... his fashion ... well, let's just say that kels and i both wanted his red blazer ... oh yea, and he had a song about pumping gas. i shit you not.
at that point, it was looking like we should have stayed on the couch. but we amused ourselves through sarcasm and cynicism and plots to get backstage (those included everything from flirting with the bouncer to scaling the curtain).
then jordan knight came out. ok, not insanely talented, but we got some old school new kids on the block tunes ... we just danced like crazy and things were seeming pretty damn fun. then came surprise guest jeff timmons from 98 degrees. the 12 year old girl within freaked out.
intermission. contemplation of visiting the concession stand again ...
aaron carter. wow. ok, still not a great singer ... but not entirely tone deaf either. and honestly, who cares when you see him dance? backflips off the speakers, incredible breakdancing moves .. and it was a long set, so talk about endurance. i stand corrected - he has talent. not neccessarily musical, but he can really move. he can entertain.
kels and i have been talking about going out dancing for a while now .. well, we danced all night to silly pop music. close enough for me! and if nothing else, it was a break from the deathly monotony of late.
and it just shows how kels and i can have fun no matter what crazy situation life throws us into. tonightm we tackle the hockey game . . .

the right to feel

2005-02-17T15:46:00.000-05:00

i've fallen into a place where my emotions are hypocritcal. which is strange, because emotions are (unfortunately) out of my control, whereas hypocrisy is usually fixable. i have no reason, in fact it would seem i have no right, to feel the way i do. but i guess we always have the right to feel one way or another ... it just lacks explanation or justification. but alas, i do feel this way. even i fail to see the reasoning behind it. but can emotions really be explained? i just hate that i can't shake this ... logically, it's totally irrational. nonetheless, i'm in serious need of a hug.

one among many

2005-02-14T17:53:00.000-05:00

ever get the feeling that you're not unique at all? that your life and relationships are constantly repeated in various forms? it comes in so many ways ... a conversation that you know you just had, or overheard ... a comment about someone that you can remember being made about you ... that familiar glance that was once directed at you being shot in a new direction. moments like that can make you feel oh-so insignificant in this big universe. you wonder how you became a spectator on your own life. it's been said that there are only a handful of stories to be told, and we just keep telling them, over and over, simply adding a new spin. so what if that's it? what if our lives are just the same old story with a new spin?

6-1

2005-02-13T11:11:00.000-05:00

so i attended my first school sports event ever (well, since 8th grade) last night - the hockey game. we lost, 6-1. but it was still a surprisingly good time. it's strangely entertaining to watch these boys beat each other up, hit each other with sticks, fall down. and something about the icy cold rink adds to the experience. not to mention how cute the boys look in uniform . . . =)
the night ended perfectly in the surprise discovery of a prom dress, a pint of half-baked, and northern exposure. oh, and lots of girl talk.
so yea, a surprisingly good saturday night. a break from the monotony.

boredom

2005-02-12T13:41:00.000-05:00

life here is offically boring. in spite of all the recent drama ... i don't know, even the drama seems forced, scheduled. it's like the drama is sort of inevitable, part of daily life. every day is the same as the one before. i get up after hitting the snooze button about four times, i somehow get myself into matching clothing and find a way to disguise my unwashed hair, i grab a breakfast bar (which never seems to hold me until lunch), i get in the car and regret not turning it on five minutes earlier after touching the icy steering wheel, i got to school, trudge through classes, absorb very little information, go to lunch (turkey sandwich, apple, soda, cookies), inhale lunch in under ten minutes (sometimes five), go to the library and sit - and do last night's homework - and sit and sit and have the same conversations i had the day before, go to more classes, absorb even less, go home, sit around, do homework (well, not really), go to bed tired and cranky. ive got the day down to the detail because it happens so often. the only break from the monotony comes from players. i need a new activity. a new outlook. a new conversation.

swimmingly

2005-02-08T15:54:00.000-05:00

so the show went swimmingly. it was such a rush to be up there on that stage. i was a nervous mess until i stepped in front of the mic, and then i was home. i fit.
the after party was here - my recent lack of a social life left a big gap where the big parties once were. it was nice to have a full house again.
so now it's tuesday. it feels like monday all over again. life has officially become dull. i'm ready to graduate!
the one thing keeping me going is the show. it's such a huge responsibility to have the lead. last night's rehearsal put me into a state of terror that i can't handle it. but i can. i know i can. they wouldn't have given me the part if i couldn't. i'm really excited .. but yea, very intimidated.
oh, and the "warm" weather is awesome. it gives me hope.

nerves

2005-02-05T13:36:00.000-05:00

my nerves are being quite mean to me at the moment. i mean, i've always gotten nervous about this show, but this year it's amplified by a thousand. this time, it's a test. i need to prove to myself - and the audience - that i'm good enough to really do this. i need to make sure that i'll be on stage in front of a thousand people or more again. and that terror that is usually relatively quiet is full force today - that fear that i'm not good enough, that i don't have what it takes.

good and bad

2005-02-02T16:37:00.000-05:00

it's the whole idea of "when god shuts a door, somewhere he opens a window". we get stuck in an endless cycle of lost opportunities and possibilities ... that is, possible lost opportunities. every time something is going well, something else seems to go wrong. maybe it's to balance us out, to make sure we always have even levels of happiness and shittiness. or maybe it's supposed to be incentive for us to keep pushing to have more good stuff, to beat the race of good and bad. either way, i'd like it if the good could continue, the iffy to continue to improve, and the bad to stop disguising itself as good.

one song glory

2005-01-31T19:34:00.000-05:00

"I'm writing one great song before I go ..."
today, someone reminded me of a part of my life that has long been in hibernation. call it lack of inspiration, call it laziness ... whatever the cause, the fact remains that it's been over a year since i wrote a song. there was a time that they came to me as easily as breathing - though not all of them were good. but those songs were a huge part of me, a claim to fame. and for some time now, i haven't had it in me to write a new one. i have moments where i doubt my talents, but i have to say that i have written some really good songs. songs that i would listen to. at any rate, today, someone wanted to know if i was still writing, still playing. someone believed in me. and that goes a long way. so now my guitar is back in tune, and the words are coming again. slowly, timidly. it's coming back. the songs are coming back.

global warming is affecting my brain

2005-01-29T15:50:00.000-05:00

my brain hurts. well, i have a feeling it hurts. but seeing as it dribbled out my ear about an hour ago and i haven't heard from it since, i can't be sure.
writing essays on a saturday lacks, um, how you say ... "fun". yes, that's it. fun. no, attempting two essays on one lovely weekend day is less than fun. one is a really mundane essay on global interactions in the early modern era ... no big, just dull and hard to focus on. the other is a way cool essay on fear informing modern society and politics. and i'm really into the subject, it's just a matter of getting a global perspective on it and finding enough evidence to back that up.
i think i need a nap.

home again, home again . . .

2005-01-28T13:58:00.000-05:00

it is sooo nice to be back at the rec!!! it just feels so right there ... i feel so complete as soon as i walk through the door. and although there is a large degree of sadness over this being my last show, it's outweighed by the excitement of a new show, of being back on schedule, spending the bulk of my time down there. i'm just sooo happy to be back.
in other news, exams are done. and as soon as i finish up my overdue work from the mono, i'll be a second semester senior. THANK GOD. it's about time!

SNOW

2005-01-23T14:44:00.000-05:00

i love snow. i hate winter, so snow is really the only thing that gets me through it - well, that and the hope of spring. i played in the piles of it this morning with my pups and my mom - good, clean fun. well, not really clean, since i got covered in snow. but i guess snow is pretty clean.
eagles game is in just a few minutes. hopefully we can break out of this habit and actually make it to the super bowl. if not, i will cry. but i'll have lots of good snacks.
my brain is dribbling out of my ear ... i think this post illustrates that nicely.

exams, energy

2005-01-20T18:14:00.000-05:00

so we're facing exams. it's strange to find myself in my last set of exams ever at this school (well, there are always the impending APs in May to comfort me if i'm feeling lonely . . .). i can remember being a freshman going into my first set of upper school exams, being scared shitless, and seeing the seniors rejoice at the end of this ritual ... and being extremely jealous of them when i realized how many more exams were in my future. and now here i am, one of those relieved seniors. granted, i'll be more relieved when i've caught up on everything i missed due to this evil illness. but in about two weeks, i'll officially be a second semester senior. WOOHOO! i thought i'd never make it . . .
also in two weeks: a cappella fest. perhaps my favorite night of the year. why, you might ask, is it my favorite night of the year? the answer is quite simple, really. this is the one night of the year when i can almost taste my dreams they're so close. i'm really happy that i have a solo again this year. it's me, the mic, and hundreds of people in the audience, all lending me their attention for three minutes. and every year, this night reminds me that this is what i should be doing. and every year i get another ounce or so of confidence that i can. and every year, the energy of those three minutes fuels me for months. singing is like oxygen. hell, i'm singing now. i can't help myself. not that i want to . . .

anything but right now

2005-01-18T17:44:00.000-05:00

almost there . . .
i've almost beat this son of a bitch known as mono. but in the meantime, i'm exhausted.
bleh.
i want to go back to school - back to reality.
or, even better, i want to skip ahead a few months, be graduating, facing summer, and oh-so-close to nyu.
actually, i'd be happy to just skip ahead to march and be in florida with my friends, singing.
basically, anything but right now.

la guerre de la coeur et l'esprit

2005-01-11T20:29:00.000-05:00

as i fail miserably at my attempts to compose a short story en français, i find myself in a distantly familiar mood - homesick. i haven't really missed diest (and all that it entails) in a while. maybe it's because i'm so focused on my own exciting future (rather than my past, or my "potential" future with he-who-we-call-"him"), but for some time now, i've not been lost in the narrow cobblestone alleys, i've not been up on that roof with my view. i've been here. no ... that's untrue. i've been in new york. i've been on stage. i've been in a studio. i've been writing my first book. but i haven't been there, there where my heart has settled. my heart is in diest, but my spirit is in new york. and yet, somehow, i find myself for just a moment back home. back in a café, back with my scrapbooks. back with a full heart and a full mind. back in my own moments of completion. but was i truly complete? will i ever be? if i can never have both my spirit and heart entirely, will i ever be whole?

strange

2005-01-10T17:42:00.000-05:00

strange, how in a moment it all comes back to you. as if there was never a recovery period, as if you never moved on or healed. there it is, staring you in the face, tearing up your heart all over again. maybe there are some things that we never recover from, no matter how long we sit in rehab. maybe these moments will always come, these moments where it's made perfectly clear that you can't forget. it's a part of you, a part of your history. like a disease that, though beaten, has left your system that much weaker, that much more vulnerable. perhaps it's supposed to be this way, we're supposed to be forced into remembering - reliving - so that we don't forget where we've been. i wish i knew how i felt. i want to be certain that i'm ok with this as a part of my past, or i want to be sure that i want to forget it.

another blog chain survey

2005-01-10T11:37:00.000-05:00

Using only song titles from Avril Lavigne, answer the following questions:

Are you male or female: Naked

Describe yourself: My World

How do some people feel about you: Nobody's Home

How do you feel about yourself: Things I'll Never Say

Describe your ex boyfriend: Slipped Away

Describe your current boyfriend: I'm With You

Describe where you want to be: My Happy Ending

Describe what you want to be: Anything But Ordinary

Describe how you live: Take It

Describe how you love: Complicated

Share a few words of wisdom: Who Knows

only child

2005-01-09T21:56:00.000-05:00

so i'm still stuck on the couch. and it's seriously getting old. but i have no choice, so i guess i'll just suck it up until i recover.
im an only child again. it sucks. i hate not having my brother around - the house just seems empty without him. and next year is going to be even worse. see, now when he comes home, i'm here. but next year,, just because he's home, doesn't mean i'll be here to see him. no good. it's so strange that i really like my brother.
so now i'll be stuck on the couch without company. though i've had my share of visitors recently, which has been very nice.
ok, i'm past my energy limit for the day. bye bye.

stolen from . . .

2005-01-05T13:33:00.000-05:00

Ten Random Things About Me:
1. My favorite color is blue
2. I have a secret desire to be a secret agent
3. I have mono
4. My favorite fruit is a strawberry (only when perfectly ripe, though)
5. I'm a natural blonde
6. I've lost track of how many times I've read The Great Gatsby
7. Singing is my favorite form of stress relief
8. I'm a Barbara Streisand fan
9. I enjoy thoroughly cleaning my house
10. I'm going to NYU in the fall

Nine Places I've Visited:
1. Paris
2. London
3. Amsterdam
4. Brussels
4. Diest
5. Miami
6. Las Vegas
7. New York City
8. Germany
9. Ft. Meyers

Eight Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
1. Perform for millions
2. See the rest of the world
3. Speak four languages
4. Revisit passion
5. Be published
6. Have a family (however that ends up being defined)
7. End hate
8. Find that moment of true happiness

Seven Ways To Win My Heart:
1. Be confident
2. Have ambition
3. Be passionate
4. Sing
5. Laugh
6. Admit to weakness
7. Be able to really talk to me - about everything and nothing

Six Things I Believe In:
1. Myself
2. Love
3. Music
4. Possibilities
5. Today
6. Life is pointless unless it is truly lived.

Five Things I'm Afraid Of:
1. The dark
2. Being forgotten
3. Hatred
4. Not falling in love again
5. Notecards

Four Of My Favorite Items In My Bedroom:
1. My teddy bear
2. My journals
3. My guitar
4. The arched window

Three Things I Do Every Day:
1. Change
2. Dream
3. Sing

Two Things I'm Try Not To Do Right Now:
1. Sleep or cough (damn mono)
2. Let the past back in

One Person I Want To See Right Now:
1. him

mono

2005-01-05T13:26:00.000-05:00

so i officially have mono. for someone like me, it's the most enfuriating disease imaginable. i'm the sort of girl who doesn't like to stop - ever. i don't like to be held back, and it's especially frustrating to be physically weak. i've work so hard to be strong, and the fact that getting out of bed is hard work is driving me crazy. not to mention how hard it is for me to ge behind on school work. i hate being behind, being slow. i'm on day two of couch patrol since school started, and i'm less than thrilled.